Love Soon
by HollBeth
Summary: Bella's just a late-twenty-something ready to be in love. Edward's just a college kid ready to be in love. He's sure he found it, she's sure he's wrong. He's all in while she's freaking out. Can she give in and let love win? AH/Romance & Drama, M
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome to the May Drabble War!**

**Please check out the other drabblers:**

**Amazed **by** TrueEnglishRose**

**Summary: **They come from two different backgrounds and lifestyles, one simple, one fabulous, yet both know what it means to suffer. Can they face the future together and learn to let go of their demons? Can they find what it is to be Amazed?

**The Right Kind of Wrong **by 

**Summary:** While on a vacation with friends to London, Bella meets older bachelor Edward Cullen who invades her every thought, emotion and inch of her soul. One problem. He's mistaken her for someone else so when you fall for the wrong person, can it be right?

**Brother's, hotties, and doggies...Oh, my! **by **Amberdale**

Summary: Bella's Brother Emmett asks Bella to Doggie sit, what chaos ensues? How does the Hottie neighbor next door help? Read along to find out! E&B Humor/borderline crackfic

**Lucky Strike **by** Twiddler83**

**summary: **-May Drabble War Entry- Edward Cullen is new to the pitching staff of the Cardinals after being pulled up from the minors. Opening day is one of the biggest days of this town, and it's up to Edward to deliver a win. An unexpected spectator gets a surprise she didn't see coming, it literally makes her see stars. ExB Humor/Romance Rated M for dirty reasons. Alternate POV's

**Coffee Shop Serenade **by ******I Drive Like a Cullen16**

**Summary:** As the owner of Swan's Coffee, Bella's life is uneventful, until a mysterious stranger stumbles into her shop. Despite the secrets he holds, she lets him stay, as he plays his guitar every night to repay her. Will she ever find out the secrets he hides? ExB

**As for me? I don't know what the frig I'm doing...this is BRAND NEW for me, jsyk. My story is not complete (I put the "pro" in procrastination) and I'm afraid it stinks, too. And now that I've done a stellar job of selling it (ha!), I will say that if you do decide to read this, I really, really, really hope you like it and don't feel you wasted your time!**

**Inspiration for this song comes from one John Mayer. If you hate him, I don't want to hear it. I mean, respect your opinion and all, but, yeah - please don't. I'm posting the lyrics to the song below the chapter so that you can get a feel for what's coming. I may refer to specific lines in the song, or some of the "action" in the song may appear in the story. But I have always adored this song and loved the idea of the young man being the more confident, mature one with conviction. If you want to see/hear the song, go here (just remove the spaces): http : / www . youtube . com / watch?v=DM_tYwlF3wQ**

**And now, on with this...whatever this is. Be gentle... Oh, and yeah - it's not beta'd, so I own any and all mistakes you may find.**

**Oh, and one more thing - Disclaiming, and this will apply to all future chapters (so I will not be posting it again): Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and all these characters. I'm just...I don't know what I'm doing, but she probably wouldn't like it. ) No copyright infringement is intended with her or with John Mayer.**

* * *

I'm getting ready for my set, tuning my acoustic, and I see you.

I've been playing in this pub for months. I see all kinds. I've been approached by pretty girls and even the occasional attractive older woman. I've been flirted with by both "plain" and "stunning," and yet no one has sparked my interest. Yet with one look, I can't seem to see anyone but you.

You haven't seen me, yet. But you will. And not just because I'll be playing, either. I'm going to make sure you see me before you leave.

You're maybe not what everyone would call the most beautiful girl in the world, but you are the most beautiful girl in _my_ world so far – there's just something about you. Long, wavy brown hair that shines, porcelain skin, dark eyes, a sexy shape. It all adds up to someone I am desperate to know, and I saw you only two minutes ago.

Something tells me I'm in trouble. I hope you are, too.

* * *

**Love Soon** by John Mayer

_I know you've been sworn_

_I read your complaint_

_You're needing someone older._

_And though I've been warned_

_To live day by day,_

_There's something taking over._

_Did you expect to kiss me one time_

_While looking at me with the same eyes ever again?_

_So come on and face it._

_So come on and face it._

_It's time that we say it._

_You can cross the line whenever you want to,_

_I'm calling it love soon._

_Close your mind and waste some time if you have to,_

_I'm calling it love soon._

_It's not about you now,_

_It's what we are._

_Your mother complains_

_That you need a man_

_You haven't mentioned me, yet._

_And all of your friends_

_Don't know who I am_

_I've been your best-kept secret._

_I understand I wasn't part of the plan,_

_A dollar short, a minute early,_

_but I am your man._

_So come on and face it._

_So come on and face it._

_It's time that we say it._

_(Chorus repeat)_

_Let's bypass the bullshit_

_And move on because_

_The minute hand moves faster than you think it does._

_And by no fault of yours,_

_And by no fault of mine,_

_The bottom line is laying in_

_The bed that we've been playing in tonight...we've been playing in tonight._

_I'm calling it love soon..._

_I'm calling it love soon..._

_You can cross the line whenever you want to, I'm calling it love soon._

_Close your mind and waste some time if you have to, I'm calling it love soon._

_It's not about you now, it's what we are._

**Who's in? I WILL warn you - I have really struggled with not only confidence, but also the flow of words, so it's more than possible that, in light of that (and my concert tomorrow night and Mother's Day) that this story will not complete this weekend. But I DO promise this: I have posted this chapter, which means I will post the story to completion, whenever that may be (but hopefully sooner rather than later). And I won't be this damn wordy in future posts...**

**xo and love,**

**Holly**


	2. Chapter 2

I don't want to freak you out, so I try not to stare at you too long during my set. But I do look. Often. Once or twice you catch eyes with me, and I try hard not to lose my place. Brown? It's dim in here, but I think your eyes are brown. I always thought brown was dull and common, but not your brown. There's something going on in them that I want to know. Something more deep than the color.

Longing? Resignation? Loneliness? Sadness?

I'm going to figure it out. I only hope you're willing to let me.

Yes, I'm definitely in trouble.

* * *

**Thank you for taking the chance...**


	3. Chapter 3

After my set and my thanks, I put my guitar away and head straight for your table.

"Hi, I'm Edward." I extend a hand to you. You seem shocked, but friendly.

"Hi, Edward, I'm Bella." You offer your hand and I take it firmly. I want to hold it for far longer than is acceptable among strangers, but I don't try. Something tells me I need to tread lightly with you. Something tells me I could scare you away easily.

"Bella. Beautiful." You blush. "I'm sure you hear that all the time, sorry." I run a hand through my hair, hating my lame words that sound like lines. But you are so, so beautiful to me, and your name only makes you more so.

"Actually, no," you say, looking down. "I mean, I know 'bella' means beautiful in Italian, but not very many say anything."

"Oh, well…" I'm not sure where to go with this now.

* * *

**Holy smokes - thank you all for the alerts, favorites and reviews! I will do my best to keep up!**


	4. Chapter 4

"You're really good, you know," you say, tilting the neck of your beer bottle toward the stage. "I really liked your set. Do you write your own stuff?"

You like my music? Yes - it's a start.

"Mostly. I take requests sometimes, but I like to write – get out what's weighing on me. It's kind of like singing and playing your own diary sometimes, but it helps."

Something tells me I'll be up late writing a song or two about you, Bella.

You introduce me to your friends. They don't pay much attention to me, but you still do, and that's all that matters.

I offer to refill your drink. You let me. I can't stop smiling at you, but you seem to be smiling at me a lot, too.

"So…you're a musician," you say. "Is this moonlighting? Do you have a day-job?"

"During the day I'm a Music Education student at U-Dub," I tell you. Your face falls, and I feel my hopefulness following suit.

* * *

**Don't give up, Edward!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Didn't want to leave you hanging...**

* * *

"A student? Like, doctoral?" You look like you're waiting for your lottery number to be called.

Shit. You think I'm older. Or rather, perhaps you hope I am. How old are you, beautiful? You look young…

"Um, no, not yet. Still working on my lowly Bachelor's right now. You?" I try to be nonchalant. Maybe if you see I don't care about whatever it is that seems to worry you, you won't care, either.

"Um, no," you stammer and look away. "I'm well past that. I'm a teacher – high school English and Literature." You look at me, brow furrowed. "Undergrad? You're…young?"

"Define 'young.'" I _can't_ be too young for you.

"It means... _young_. Possibly not of age? It means… It means I need to stop talking to you before I want to never stop talking to you," you whisper that last part, your cheeks flushing brightly.

"You don't want to stop talking to me?" I'm ecstatic. You've given me a boundary, but I'm going to try to crash through it. Let me crash through it, Bella.

* * *

**Which makes me think, "Crash into me..."**


	6. Chapter 6

"Just – forget it," you say, looking down and allowing your hair to shield your face from me. "I thought – I mean, I was…" You mutter a curse before looking me square in the face once more. "Just forget it. Thanks for the drink."

You hop down to leave, but I'm not letting you go that easily. I also know I don't want to freak you out any further with my level of interest, so I opt for casual and blasé.

"Hey, wait. Just – come back sometime? Listen to me play again? It'd be nice to see your face out there. We can be… _friends_," I say, shrugging and smiling.

"Friends." You're skeptical.

"Sure, why not?" _Please say yes, Bella. _"Unless of course nineteen is too young for you to be friends with…"

"Nine_teen_." Eyes wide, you bite your lip; your cheeks blush.

"Yeah. Nineteen."

You're still staring at me, dumbfounded. Speechless.

"How old are _you_, Bella?" I know it's rude to ask, but I just want to get it out of the way. I certainly don't give a shit, but it's crystal-clear that this is a possible deal-breaker for you.

"Older than nineteen," you mumble. "Way… older… than nineteen. How did you - ?" You gesture toward your drink.

"Garrett's the owner and bartender. I keep his seats full, so he gives me free drinks," I say.

* * *

**Soon to be in transit...I have through 11 complete. I may throw them all at you, or just two or three more in the next little bit, the rest later. Hope that works...**


	7. Chapter 7

"Right. Cool. So...I'm gonna go. I'm just - thank you. For the drink," you say hesitantly. Your eyes dart to mine and away

I grin. You are so gorgeous. I love how flustered I make you.

"Oh, of course – for the drink." I nod and smirk.

"When do you perform next?" you ask. You'll come back? Please don't be teasing me, Bella.

"I'm here every Tuesday night, and sometimes I do Thursdays and Saturdays. It just depends on how the mood strikes me or if Garrett wants a warm body on stage."

"Okay, then. I guess I'll see you around." You back away with your hands in your back pockets. Did you just look me up and down? Yes, I think you did. Your friends have been oblivious to this whole exchange. _Great friends._

"Yeah, um… aren't you forgetting something?"

"I'm not kissing you." _Holy Hell_. Not that I don't want that, but wow. You're _really_ freaked out about me. Dammit. Just play it cool, let that slide.

"Your _friends_, Bella? Aren't you forgetting your friends?"

* * *

**Hmmm...someone has kissing on the brain, no? Oh, Bella...**


	8. Chapter 8

"Oh, right," you say. You walk over to whisper to your friends who get up to join you in leaving.

I'm unashamedly watching you – what is it they say? "Hate to see you go, but love to watch you leave?" Yeah. The view is just as stellar from behind, gorgeous.

I catch you looking over your shoulder at me, and when you see me looking, too, you blush and throw up a hand in goodbye.

My family and friends say I'm good at reading people. I can tell you're freaking out. You might want me, but you don't want to. And I don't know what to do about that.

I want to pursue you, but if I come on too strong, I'll chase you away. We _did_ just meet, after all.

But for right now, the ball is in your court. I don't have your number, I don't have your last name. If I'm ever to see you again, you'll have to come to me.

_Please come to me, Bella._

* * *

**I have three more written, and I will roll them out later, then spend a shameful amount of time awake hoping to take this little story somewhere that you can enjoy! THANK YOU a million times for the alerts, favorites and reviews! I'm having a Bella freak-out about it, actually! xo~Holly**


	9. Chapter 9

I went straight home to start putting you on paper – lyrics and melodies that already won't let me be. I've never had such a visceral reaction to a person. Sure, I've seen beautiful women, even gotten to spend the night with a couple, but no one and nothing compares to this pull I immediately have to you.

I don't really know what it is, but I know what I think it _could_ be. I don't have any preconceived notions about "what" is supposed to happen "when" in my life – if you were made for me to love, I'm all in.

You don't come the following Tuesday, and I'm crushed. I know we hardly know each other, but I swear I know your mind – you've talked yourself out of whatever "this" is.

Two more Tuesdays go by – it has been a month since I met you.

I'm sitting at the bar with my water, going over some lyrics I just wrote for a new song, when I sense the seat next to me being taken. Almost instantly, I know it's you.

"Here for the free drink?" I ask, bumping her shoulder and sipping my water.

"No way," you say. "The music. I hear the kid that plays here is pretty good."

"_Kid?_" I clutch at my heart in mock heartache. "I don't know that he's a kid. He seems pretty mature to me. I bet you think he's cute. You probably even have a crush on him." I smile widely at you, not looking away.

"You're such a flirt, you know that?" You shake your head, smiling and wave for the bartender.

"I really don't think you mind, do you Bella?" I quirk an eyebrow. You look away. "So..._do_ you?"

"Do I what?"

"Think he's handsome. Have a crush on him." I try to keep my smile in place to keep it light, but whether you answer or not, I'll know. I think I already know.


	10. Chapter 10

"He's...cute."

"Just cute?"

"Cute is all I'm comfortable giving up," you say, more serious.

"But you think he's more," I prod. I want you to crack. I see you look at me. I can be an oblivious guy sometimes, but you look at me like I'm much more than _cute_.

"I think he's very young," you reply softly.

"I think he's an adult. I don't think anything else matters."

"I think it does." No, Bella. I'll make you see it doesn't.

"I think you think too much," my tone is challenging.

"I think you're wrong," you counter.

"Well. How about we agree to disagree? But let's make sure we do agree on a couple of things, okay?" I raise my eyebrows, hopeful.

"O...kaaay," you say.

"We can both agree he is a legal adult, yes?"

"Yes, barely."

"Okay - legal adult. And we both agree he's cute, possibly even handsome or sexy?"

"Whoa! I never said - " you seem flustered again, but I'm thankful you still seem playful.

"Cute, sexy, handsome - yes?"

"Maybe a little," you say, blushing. "But - "

"So," I interrupt. "He's a legal adult, who is cute, possibly a little sexy. So there would be nothing to stop you from..."

"I'm not kissing you, Edward," you say with a grin.

"So you've said." I shrug.

"You don't seem to believe me," you say in challenge.

"We'll see."


	11. Chapter 11

You look incredulous, exasperated and amused all at once. I continue to smile and look straight in your eyes until you look down at your newly delivered drink.

"No friends tonight?" I ask, hoping to draw you out, learn more of you.

"Nah, I just had a discouraging day with the hellions and wanted to relax."

"I'd love to help you relax," I say, leaning my chin on my hand.

"Easy, cheesy – that's dangerously close to a line," you say, raising a brow, smiling.

"Well, cheese makes a lot of things better, but you'll get no lines from me. I say what I mean and mean what I say."

"Somehow, I don't doubt that at all, Edward." You look so serious.

"You don't have to doubt me, Bella." You don't have to doubt _any_ of this. My words, that I want you, the possibilities...

"That's what scares me," you whisper. I don't think you want me to hear you, but I do. I think I can hear what you're not saying even louder.

I glance at my watch. "Ready to relax?"

"Wha- what? Don't you have to play or something? What do you mean?" You're freaking out again, and if it wasn't so cute and I wasn't one minute from my set, I'd spend some time really wondering what has made you so skittish.

"My guitar and I are going up there, and we're going to help you relax. Can you handle that?" I lean close into you, near your ear to speak the rest. "Let me know if you have any requests, beautiful."

Your eyes flutter. You subtly shiver. _Yes._ I'm thankful to see you reacting to me. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one affected.

* * *

**Okay, sweetpeas. Here's where I'm done until I write some more, but I'm so heartened by the feedback that I think you're at least a little bit into it, so I hope to keep it good for you! **

**I'm sorry some of you are feeling cougar-ish! Just remember, "He's a legal adult, he's a legal adult, he's a legal adult..." )**

**Next up, Edward flirts more with the help of his guitar, and I'm pretty sure he won't let her go this time without getting more info! What's a good wooing/sexy song he could sing her? I have ideas, but will gladly take suggestions!**

**I CANNOT thank you all enough for giving this a chance. It feels like such a feat for me to try this, so I thank you for the soft place to land! xo ~Holly**


	12. Chapter 12

"I'm sure, um, anything you do will be...fine," you stammer, not meeting my eyes. You're so close. You smell so good. You feel so warm. I need to step away from you before I _can't_ step away from you.

"Yeah. If you think of anything, though, you'll let me know?"

"Of course, Edward."

"Bella? Could you just - stay. Just, don't leave before my set is over. Please?" I know I'm pushing things to a place that may make you uncomfortable with that request, but I hope you see it's innocent enough and will stick around to talk to me.

"Um...yeah. Sure. I'll - stick around, no problem," you say.

"No matter what? No matter what I sing or say? You'll still be here?"

"I mean - yeah. Why not, right? No big deal, I'll hang out with you after." Small victory - I'll take it. And now I'm about to take a small liberty, but I have a good feeling after that shiver I gave you.

I lean in quickly and kiss your cheek. I pull back to smile at you quickly and tell you "thanks" before I turn to go on stage. You look shocked, but fuck me if you don't look a little pleased, too.

* * *

**I didn't make much headway last night, but I will keep cracking away at these two! I hope you stick around!**


	13. Chapter 13

As I take the stage, I notice you take your place back at the corner of the bar. A few quick strums help me tune my guitar, and I'm ready to woo you. Have you been wooed, beautiful? You will be.

"How you guys doing tonight? I'm Edward Cullen, and I'm going to sing and play for you. I see some of you have been here enough to know I play a lot of my own stuff. Tonight, though, I'd like to try something different."

A few whistles. Murmurs. I glance to you, and you seem taken with me. I sure as hell hope you are, and that what I'm about to do isn't too much, too soon. But life is short, and I don't feel like beating around the bush here. It started with you innocently blurting out you weren't going to kiss me when it hadn't even come up yet. Then you just said it again, more like a challenge to me. I don't want to push, but I know it all starts right there, with our first kiss.

Our first kiss.

"There's a beautiful girl here tonight, and I get the impression she hasn't been properly wooed in her life." Catcalls, murmured "awws." "I'd like to start wooing her properly, and I'm going to start tonight by singing her some covers. You guys good with that?" Cheers, claps, more "awws," and I'm ready to get going. Another quick glance your way shows me you look exactly as I expected you to - mortified, embarrassed. But you still sit there, and you still look at me.

I think...I think this is going to be okay. Let it be okay, Bella.


	14. Chapter 14

**Sweetpeas, I usually hate so many lyrics being the "body" of a chapter, but honestly? You should read these. Or hit it up on YouTube. It couldn't BE more perfect, so I felt it should be included, to be sure you knew what he was singing for her! Enjoy...**

* * *

I begin to pick out the song, and I tell the crowd this is one by Ferras. "This song is called 'Take My Lips,'" I say as I look at you through my lashes. You look down and away, to the bar, to your drink.

_I can't describe accurately how I feel inside_

_I know I just met you the other night_

_But I've never felt anything that just felt so right_

_I want you to -_

_Take my lips and make them yours_

_Take my vision and let my heart soar_

'_Cause I've never felt like this before_

_So won't you_

_Take my lips and make them yours_

_I can feel your body next to mine_

_Every time I close my eyes_

_Every time I feel your breath on my skin_

_I can't wait to be with you again and again_

_So would you..._

I seek your eyes during the chorus. I look at you as often as I can without ignoring everyone else. As confident as I am, I worry I'll look over and see an empty barstool. You haven't disappointed me so far.

_And baby I, oh, I want to take your body_

_Your body so close to mine_

_And I, oh, I want to take your body_

_And make love that lasts for all time_

_For all time_

_And you know I want to make sweet love_

_Wanna make sweet love to you baby_

_So would you..._

_Take my lips and make them yours_

_Baby take my vision_

_I want my to heart to soar_

_Because I've never felt like this before_

_So take my lips and make them yours_

I find your eyes. I give you a smile. I want you to see there's no fear. I also want you to see there's no cheese, no lines. I say what I mean and I mean what I say, even when I sing what I want to say. Even when I use someone else's words.

* * *

**Props, thanks, praise, and credit go to Mizzdee for the suggestion of Ferras' "Take My Lips." I listened and read the lyrics and practically fell over at their perfection for these two!**


	15. Chapter 15

As I not-so-subtly keep checking to make sure you stay, I manage to work in some songs that I hope make you melt a little. Maybe it's a cheap shot, but I don't care. A little "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain, a humorous spin with "Shut Up and Kiss Me," by Mary Chapin Carpenter, and a more serious turn with Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes." As I keep playing and singing, as I keep glancing at you, my resolve strengthens more and more.

I can have a light touch or a heavy hand, and I still may not get you to give in and explore this. So I'm going all-out. Fuck playing fair - if you get scared and run, we'd never work anyway.

I finish with Mayer's "Edge of Desire," hoping you really feel how strongly I want you, want to have you, want to know you.

After giving my thanks to the audience, I put my guitar away and head straight to you. You turn on your stool to face me head-on. _Shit_. You look put-out. I can't believe I was wrong, but I fear you're going to tell me to fuck off.

"Bella, I - " but my mouth is cut off by yours.

* * *

**What do you think? Is she going to let him have it? Or is she going to let him **_**have it**_**?**


	16. Chapter 16

You. Your mouth. Your lips. Your taste. You're pressed against me, and it's the best feeling in the world. You took me so by surprise, but I don't take long to react.

My hands on your neck, in your hair, across your cheeks.

Your hands on my shoulders, on my neck, fisting my hair.

Our lips - hard, then soft. Your top lip in my teeth. My bottom lip in yours. Tongue.

Your _tongue_. Hesitant, warm. Soft, sweet - then insistent. You turn your head and I get more of your mouth, more of your sweetness, more of your warm meant-to-be-ness.

I move my hands from your hair and cheeks to your waist and back. I pull you in impossibly closer. You raise onto your toes. You moan into my mouth. I moan into yours.

I can barely register the whistles and catcalls as I feel your kiss turn aggressive, hard. Angry even. Instead of sultry moans, you grunt and growl. You are by turns pushing and pulling my shoulders, my shirt, my hips. You're fighting yourself. You're fighting this.

"Bella," I whisper over your lips as you keep trying to devour mine. "_Bella_." Stronger now. I pull away to see your eyes shut tightly, your chest heaving. You shake your head at me without opening your eyes.


	17. Chapter 17

"Dammit," you hiss.

Before I can even try to respond, you turn, grab your purse and head for the door. I quickly grab Garrett's attention as I follow her, pointing at my guitar case and raising my brows. He gives me a thumb's-up, and I'm rushing out the door to find you before you can get away again.

"Bella!"

"No! No, Edward. I wasn't going to do this!" you yell, walking away. "I wasn't going to feel this! It was just supposed to be a kiss! Just a kiss! Just...nothing! And then I could walk away!"

I grab your arm to stop you and step in front of you. "Wait - you kissed me to try to prove you don't want me? What - did you expect to kiss me one time, and then look at me with the same eyes after that?"

You won't look at me. _Please_ look at me. I need to see it in your eyes. I need to see I haven't been wrong.

"Yes. I thought that...I figured I would be too hung-up, and kissing you would just remind me of our ages, and it wouldn't feel right, and I could let this go, then."

"Yeah? How's that working out for you?" I can't help it. You're under my skin so far I feel like you're my DNA. I want to be under yours, too, even if I have to piss you off.

"Shut up, smartass," you say, but you smile. The smile fades slowly as you stare down at our feet. "Edward. I just don't see how this can work. I need someone older."

"_Older_."

"Yes."

I call bullshit. You're buying into your fears, insecurities, society's "rules" about what's right and wrong. I'm not a betting man, but I would bet my life you feel exactly for me what I feel for you. So, I'm going to make this easier for you. I'm going to make you see, but we'll play it on your terms.


	18. Chapter 18

I hold your face close to mine. I stare into your eyes. I wait.

You open your eyes. I see fear, but I also see resolve. You've decided. Good or bad, you're going to decide for me. The thought that you could be someone I never had the chance to really know and love with how much I already feel just makes my heart plummet. But like I said - if you can only run, we would never work anyway.

"No promises," you whisper.

"Okay," I whisper. I begin to relax.

"No, I'm serious. This is your warning. Live day-by-day. Nothing serious. No expectations, no promises, right?" You pull away and raise your brows in question, seeking agreement.

I'll take whatever you'll give me. I'll risk the heartache of you not being able to let go, but I know you're worth it. This is worth the risk. No promises? No problem. I can't promise you I won't fall in love with you. I believe I already have.

"So...where do we go from here?" you ask.

"I don't know, but you're not leaving without giving me your last name and your phone number this time, missy," I tease.

We exchange phones and program our numbers. "Swan," I say, reading your name on my phone. "Bella Swan."

"That's me," you say.

"Well, Bella Swan, whatever are we going to do now?"

"Come home with me."

* * *

**I HATE to leave it here, sweetpeas! But this is as far as I've gotten, and I'm off to a concert! I promise I will get you more tomorrow! xo ~Holly**


	19. Chapter 19

**This chapter...gah. Okay, I wrote on the way to Bonnie. And I finished this and the next, and it didn't sit well with me. He was going to go, but not "do it," maybe fool around, but it didn't feel right. So I rewrote, and this feels more like "them." Some of you may still think I'm cruel! ) They'll get there, sweetpeas. They will.**

* * *

"What?" I didn't expect you to say _that_. And I want that - so much. But this is fast.

"Um..." you say. I certainly don't want you to look that unsure or rejected.

"I mean - that's kind of fast, isn't it? To come home with you?"

"Yeah, but, we don't have to do anything, I just..." you say, backing away. "You know what? Just forget I said that. _Please_."

"Bella, come on. I'm not upset or offended or even put-off! There's _nothing_ I want more, it's just - it's just fast is all, don't you think?"

Suddenly you burst into laughter. "Fast? Yes, it's fast! This whole thing has been fast! Ridiculously, shamefully, questionably fast! We've seen each other twice. _Twice!_ We only know each other's names and occupations! I don't know if you have siblings, what your parents are like, where you came from! I don't know what you like to eat or your favorite color or your middle name! I don't know what you want to do with your degree or anything!" I watch, amused, as you have a full-on Meg Ryan movie freak-out, complete with arm-waving and pacing.

I step in front of you to stop your rant. I hold your shoulders and look you in the eye. "Are you finished?"

"_Edward_. You don't even know how old I am. Doesn't that _bother_ you?" You look so defeated.

"It doesn't matter to me, Bella, I swear it. I know what I want. Isn't that _enough_ for you?" I counter.


	20. Chapter 20

"No, it's not enough. I don't know if it ever will be," you say, leaning in to hug me and hide your face in my chest.

"That's an honest answer." I have _so_ much work cut out for me. "Just give us time. No expectations, remember? No promises, no big deal, right?"

"I don't want to waste your time, Edward," you look up to my eyes. You look so sad.

"Let me be the judge of how my time is spent. I'm okay, if you're okay, with wasting time,"* I tell you with a smile. I won't be wasting my time, and neither will you. When will you realize what I already know?

"But, why would you do that? Why would you waste time on me? On 'no expectations, nothing serious, day-by-day,' Edward? Why?"

"I told you. I know what I want. That's enough for me." You still seem unconvinced. "Bella, if you want to spend time with me, do that. If you don't, don't call. Simple as. We agree?"

"Yeah. Okay..." you smile, and I know this argument has been tabled for this round.

I turn back to the pub, pulling her in with my arm around her shoulders. "I have to go get my guitar, but tell me something?"

"Yes?"

"If you knew it was too fast, why did you ask me to come home with you?" You are an enigma. I want to unpuzzle all your pieces.

"Well...I figured, since I'm already going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly," you say with a laugh. It's the best sound in the world.

* * *

***Lyric from John Mayer's song "Tracing."**


	21. Chapter 21

"Mmmmm..." you hum into our kiss. We stand by your truck. Your hands are on my hips.

"Mmmm-hmmm..." I hum back. My hands are in your silky-soft hair.

This kiss is slower, sultry. It's a quiet plea for more, it's a promise of next times. It's sensual and warm. Wet and hungry. It's the glowing-hot orange embers left from the flash-fire kiss from before. It's exploring and tasting, learning and trying, wanting and needing. But it is just this. I don't pin you to the car, you don't press yourself into my jeans. It's savoring and waiting. It's a beginning.

After a measure of time that is both long and never long enough, we pull apart. I smile. You smile. The many tensions and questions have fallen away for now, and it is just us - Edward and Bella. Boy and girl. Bound not by age, fears, or expectations. I never want this moment to end, but it's late and I have early classes and you have school.

"I have an idea, if you're up for it," I offer, running my thumbs over your cheeks and lips.

"Whatcha got?"

"I have your number, you have my number. All those questions? All those things you said you didn't know? I want to know them about you, too. So I propose a game of 'Twenty Questions.' But I guess, in this case, it would be 'Twenty Texts.' What do you think?"

"Total honesty?"

"Always."

You ponder, biting your lower lip. Then you smile and shrug, reaching for my shirt collar.

"Deal. Now shut up and kiss me goodbye." Yes ma'am._  
_

* * *

**I'm amazed I was able to get three chapter done on the way back, after midnight. Heck, in the morning, I may hate them! I'm again back to having no chapters, so I will try to write when I can, along with travel and Mother's Day stuff, but if you don't hear from me during the day, I'll do my best to get you something tomorrow evening. Will I finish on time? Doubtful, but I warned you it may happen... xo ~Holly**


	22. Chapter 22

I get back to my dorm, high from my small victory with you, and eager to learn more of you. I decide there's no time like the present to start, I send the first text.

**You ready beautiful? I'll start. When is your birthday? - E**

_September 13 - B_

And before I can respond, another text comes.

_1982 :( - B_

Ah, so you just couldn't stand me not knowing? You're twenty-nine, thirty in just over three months. I wait for some traitorous emotion to take over - to feel worried, disinterested, freaked-out, but...nothing. And that doesn't surprise me. I have never felt such a strong pull to someone or something, and I'm choosing to trust it. Now...what to say to you to keep you from worrying? I think for just a few moments before I come up with what to say.

**No frowns. Your birthday is definitely something to celebrate. And we will. -E**

There - I won't let you be unhappy with who you are, and I want you to know I intend to be around for a long time.

Minutes pass before you respond. If I have my guess, I imagine you are reading my words over and over, looking for the lie, looking for the hesitancy. And then I imagine you're thinking about whether you want to argue with me again that I should care. I could call you out, I could say something else, but I wait. I want you to get to where I am without pressure.

After what feels like forever, but was only eight minutes, I note, you text back.

_Thank you... Your turn. Birthday? - B_

**June 20th. 20 on the 20th! - E**

I think this might be the best birthday I've ever had.

* * *

**I'm struggling a bit with inspiration today. Being away out of town for Mama's Day hasn't helped! I'm working out how much of the texting to cover, and how much to skim over. I don't see this story as super-long. Even though it's a drabble, I can't imagine I would go anything higher than 40 chapters, IF I reach that. We'll just see how it goes! I promise I'm working on getting you more words! xo ~Holly**

**P.S. - You all make me smile crazy-big with your alerts, favorites and reviews! I'm a little bit amazed and humbled...okay, a LOT amazed and humbled. Thank you! And Happy Mama's Day to all you mama's and all you women who take care of ANYONE, even if they're not your children!**


	23. Chapter 23

I sit on my bed, trying to cram for finals, but failing miserably. All I can do is think of you and our "texting to know you" that has been going on for nearly a week. I pull out my phone and go back through some of them.

_We'll celebrate yours, too. Brothers/sisters? - B_

**One sister, Alice. You? - E**

_Only child. But don't think I'm spoiled rotten, I'm not! - B_

**I can tell you're not spoiled… Grew up in Seattle? -E**

_Phoenix and Jacksonville, FL, but Seattle since UW. You? -B_

**Forks, WA, born and raised - E**

_What the…Forks? –B_

**You said "what the Forks" :D –E**

_LOL – but really, Forks? Are your cousins from Spoons? –B_

**Very funny, Bella. It's a little town 3+ hours from here –E**

_Called Forks – B_

**Yes, Forks. What, is this a dealbreaker? ;) –E**

_I dunno. Maybe. You came from a place named after eating utensils! – B_

**No, it's actually named after the forks of the rivers there, smartass :P - E **

_Whatever… Parents? –B_

**Carlisle and Esme. Married 26 yrs. Live in Forks w/Alice. You? – E**

_Charlie and Renee. Divorced. Dad in Phx and mom and hubby in Jxnvlle –B_

**How'd you wind up in WA? I'm ecstatic you did, btw – E**

_Aww. *blush* Wanted a new place, loved the idea of the PNW. Love all the green - like your eyes – B_

I smile wide again at that last one. Over the past week, I've learned your favorite color, your favorite author and book, movies you love, your past and current pets, your favorite music, and what made you become a teacher. I find you and I have so much in common, making this thing with you even more certain for me. I hope you feel the same. We have kept our topics light and basic, so I practically swallow my tongue when your next text comes.

_Are you a virgin? – B_

* * *

PNW = Pacific Northwest


	24. Chapter 24

**No – E**

_That's all? Just "no?" :( - B_

**What do you want to know? Are you a virgin? – E**

_NO! And I don't know…# partners? When was your first? Were you in love? – B_

**What's our question count up to now? ;) -E**

_Are you avoiding? – B_

**No. Nothing to hide. – E**

I don't really know how I feel about this, but I guess it had to be discussed sooner or later. It's not like I only want to be only "friends" with you. I want that, too, but really, I want it all. And that includes sex. And that includes knowing about the sex you've had, and vice-versa. Maybe that's it – I knew you would have been with others, I'm just not sure I want to hear it. I pride myself on my maturity, but it just makes my stomach turn to imagine you with someone else. Are you as in deep as I am, Bella? Will it bother you to know about _my_ past, too? Sadly, I hope so. If it bothers you, I'll be surer you feel strongly, too.

I'm lost in my thoughts, apparently, as the buzzing of my phone brings me back to you.

_Hello? Did I scare you away? Do I have to beat it out of you? –B_

**Not scared. Just not excited to hear about any other man's hands on you – E**

_Oh. I'm not exactly thrilled thinking of other girls with you, either –B_

_Yes_. That's something. I don't want to make you worry, because there is _nothing_ in the world for you to feel jealous over at this point in my life, but I also know I need to just get this over with.

**Lost v-card at 15 w/gf at the time. Felt we were last virgins in town, lol. Wanted to know what the fuss was about –E**

_Did you love her? –B_

**As much as a 15 yr-old knows about it, yeah. We were together another yr or so after – E**

_What about the other stuff? # partners? –B_

What will you think? Will you think I'm too _inexperienced_ and not worth your time? Will you think I'm _too_ experienced and a risk? Will you run? I can tell so much about how you feel, can read you so well, except what fuels your fear and hesitancy. I don't know what the "right" answer is to make you happy, but I promised honesty.

**3 total - 2 gf and 1 one-nighter -E**


	25. Chapter 25

_One-nighter, huh? Didn't figure you for the type –B_

**It was ONE time. I'm not the type. It was nothing I wanted, just let happen. We both wished we hadn't – E**

_Oh, you knew her? – B_

**What kind of guy do you take me for? Do I seem like a heartless manwhore? O.o –E**

_No, but aren't most one-night-stands strangers? –B_

**I wouldn't know ;) –E**

_Right… So who was she? How did it happen? –B_

**Geez, you really wanna know this much? –E**

_Yes. No. I don't know. Yes? –B_

**Just a study partner. Late night, stress from studying, you get the idea? It was super-awkward after. I hated having no connection or feeling for the person, srsly –E**

_Really? You seem too perfect. It worries me I'm missing something –B_

**Well now, that sounds like the perfect segue into you telling your past, Bella. Sounds like you've been screwed over? –E**

_Oh, no, I'm not done w/you, mister! How long since last time w/someone? –B_

Jesus, Bella. You really want to get down to details, huh? Maybe we can move on to you if I give you more than you're asking. Will that help you move on? Let's find out…

**Geez. Okay. Here we go, more than you asked: Lost v-card at 15 to gf. Fucked like bunnies for the next year until broke up. Other gf was when I was a sr in hs. Came to UW w/me. We did it after 2 mos. together, dated total of 14 mos. One-nighter was during Fall finals, last December. I donate blood regularly – I'm clean. No sex in 5+ months, but it had been over a year between gf #2 and one-nighter. That enough? –E**

I don't know what else you could possibly want to know. But if anything, you've just learned that I don't fuck around, I'm clean, and I know how to do long relationships. I think that makes me a great catch. Time – and my patience, I think – will tell if you can give it up and agree.

_Alrighty then. I guess that covers it. My turn, huh? *hides face* -B_

**There are no wrong answers, pretty girl. All you are, all you've done, got you to who you are and where you are today. I for one can't be unhappy about it –E**

Well, I _can_. But I'll try not to sound like a jealous asshole when you tell me.


	26. Chapter 26

_I've had 4 partners. 2 bf, 1 I wanted to be bf, and 1 one-nighter -B_

I let out a deep breath I didn't realize I was holding. That's…not bad, I guess. It's that "1 I wanted to be bf" that has me most intrigued. Definitely something to explore later, but for now, I want you to get through your details so we can move on.

**What else? Quid pro quo, Miss Swan. I gave you all the dirty deets - your turn! ;) –E**

_1st, 18 w/guy I always wanted to be bf. 2nd, bf, 3rd, one-nighter after college, 4th bf. Been a shamefully long amount of time since last time –B_

**How shameful? –E**

_Pitiful, really –B_

**Tellll meeeee –E**

_It's not cute to whine, little boy ;) –B_

**Ouch! :p –E**

_It has been about a year and a half. We were together over 3 yrs –B_

**Wow – 3 yrs is a long time – why not together? –E **

I'm glad for it, obviously, and I know how this works – we're not all meant to be with every person we are with, but…three years is a damn long time to invest in someone if you don't want to stay with them.

_I just…wasn't the one, I guess. Thought I'd marry that one. I think he was more "grass is greener"though –B_

**His loss is my gain –E**

_We'll see –B_

**Yes, you will – E**

So. You've been in love enough to think you'd marry someone. I feel jealous knowing that you have ever felt so strongly for someone that you would want to pledge your life to him. Jealous because I haven't had that love, jealous because it was some other guy you wanted, irrational though it may be. Still – I can only focus on here, and now, and you. He let you go.

I can't imagine I ever could.


	27. Chapter 27

Finals are over. Your school year is winding down, too. It feels like a millennium since we saw each other last, but you've promised to come to my next set, as well as help me move into my apartment. Now that I'm officially a junior, mom and dad agree I've put in enough time in the dorms and have agreed to let me get an apartment.

I could go home to Forks for the summer, but my piano professor suggested I teach piano during the break. He is looking to slow down, so he suggested shuffling his paying students my way. I could use the money and experience, and it doesn't hurt that I now have an even greater reason to stay in Seattle. I don't even want to think what I would have done if I'd had to leave you after just getting started with you.

I sit at the bar making my setlist when a pair of warm hands slide around my waist from behind.

"Sweetheart, you might want to back off. If Bella sees you, she might be upset with me," I say lowly.

You huff and giggle, smacking me lightly on the stomach before moving to my side. I see you're smiling widely, something I intend to make happen as often as possible.

"Hey, you."

"Hey."

We just sort of stare through half-closed eyes at each other with small, shy smiles.

"Can I get you anything to drink, gorgeous?" I ask you, leaning in slowly.

"Drink?" you reply, leaning in, too.

"Yeah. You…thirsty?" I ask.

"I don't think Garrett has anything back there to quench my thirst," you whisper.

Our noses are barely touching, lips nearly brushing. I suddenly wish for my set to be over. I want to spend time with you. I want to explore your mouth, your neck…I just want. Instead, I lean in for a soft, chaste kiss, pressing oh-so-softly against your lips. I make no move to go further. I'm confident, but I want validation from you, too – I want you to make a move. And you do.

As your lips part, our tongues meet sweetly, slowly. My heart is flying and I hope yours is, too. A quiet throat-clearing pulls us apart, and I find Garrett across the bar, smirking at us.

"I don't think you can sing with her attached to your face, E," Garrett says, chuckling. I wave him off with a grin and a bird. I hop off my stool, grabbing your waist.

"_Later_, you," I growl, with one more, quick kiss.

* * *

**Back together, y'all! Let's move them along, shall we? **


	28. Chapter 28

I stand with you in the parking lot again, just as before. We are kissing again, just as before. The one thing that isn't just as before is that we are not slow, and we are not soft, and we are not sweet. I _do_ press my hardness in your belly. You _do_ grind your heat on my thigh. Our lips do explore jaws and necks, and our hands do wander, squeeze, and grope.

"Mmmm…I loved that song you sang, the one about never letting the girl go?" you whisper through kisses to my chin.

"Yeah, I wrote that…_mmmm…Bella…uhhh_, last week," I managed to say through my own explorations as you move on to my neck, my Adam's apple, behind my ear. You're everywhere.

"Last week? Really? Were you inspired?" you ask playfully.

"Yes. Very inspired by a gorgeous brunette siren that has captured _all_ my attention," I tell you, going in for another deep kiss. I boldly let my hand wander to more intimate places. I slowly glide my fingers down the front seam of your jeans.

"Eh – Edward – we're outside, stop that," you say, breathily.

"Stop what?"

"Unh…_that_."

"_This_?"

"Yesssss…" you moan quietly.

I'm pressing and stroking slowly, you're rocking your hips and panting, gripping my shoulders.

"Please come home with me," you whisper so quietly, I almost don't hear it above our breathing. "We don't have to do anything but this. Just this. Just – I want more of you. More time."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. And maybe to sit down or lie down," you say, giggling. "I love my truck, but I don't _love_ my truck."

"I'll follow you," I say, pulling away and not hiding my "adjustment" from you.

"Mercy," you whisper, looking me up and down, reminding me of the first night I met you. I take a moment to do the same to you. Mussed hair, flushed cheeks, swollen lips...why are we standing here?

"Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"Get in you car. _Now_."


	29. Chapter 29

I register only that I'm standing on the stoop of some sort of townhome before pressing myself into your back. You fumble and drop your keys.

"Dammit," you hiss, bending to lean down.

"Here, let me," I say, bending low for your keys. On my way back up, I drag my hands up your legs, up your arms, and into your hair, tilting your neck. I kiss wetly behind your ear, earning another breathy moan and you pressing your backside harder into me. I move the keys down your arm to your hand. "Here you go."

There is no fumbling when you unlock the door, and the moment it closes, I move you against it and kiss you hard. We're pressed together from mouth to toes, every inch, and I honestly don't think I've ever felt so turned on before. It may seem easy to think that, because you're here, and you're now, but it's true. You light me up in ways I never felt before. Everything is just…_more_.

"Couch," you say, backing me up and turning me to your right. You flick on a lamp somewhere along the way.

The backs of my knees hit the couch. I fall, pulling you with me. You straddle me and I pull you tight against me, causing us both to moan, gasp. You rock against me, I push up into you. We kiss, we lick, we nip.

"Can I just…I want to make you feel good. I want you to come," you pant out, pressing harder against me.

"I want you to come, too, _please_," I say desperately. You reach for my fly, and I still your hands. "You don't need to do that - "

"No, Edward – I don't want you to come in your jeans. I don't have anything for you to change into," you explain.

I say nothing to you, but I make sure your mouth is occupied while you open my jeans and pull my underwear down just past the head of my cock. I'm not shy, I'm not embarrassed. But I want this to be equal, and I don't want to be seen or be naked if you aren't ready for the same.

You move closer in on me again and we continue our rocking grind, our groping and kissing – chasing that tickle-tingle radiating from where we're burning each other up below. You pull up my t-shirt to get it out of the way, and I sneak my hands up under your shirt to your back.

"Touch me," you whisper in my ear, sucking in my lobe. You pull my hands under your shirt around the sides to your breasts. I squeeze and tease you, pinch and pull through the fabric before pulling the cups down for skin-to-skin.

The race is on, and our mouths clash as we near the finish line. You fist my hair and kiss me deeply while I continue giving attention to one breast and move one hand back to pull and squeeze your ass tighter to me.

"Explode for me, gorgeous," I grunt out. A few beats later, you do, and it's watching your mouth fall open in a silent scream and feeling your hands dig into my shoulders that throws me over the edge, burying my face in your neck.

* * *

***Hides* I hate writing sexual stuff...love to read it, hate to write it, so if it's not enough detail for you, I sincerely do apologize!**


	30. Chapter 30

**Hey, sweetpeas! I'm SO SORRY I haven't updated! RL and work kept me from these two. I really missed them, though, so I will do my BEST to give them some love every day if I can! THANK YOU a million times for all the alerts and favorites!**

* * *

After our little couchcapades, you and I establish a bit of a routine. Your school year is winding down, but you still have commitments there, so we don't have our days off together yet. I try to see you two or three nights a week at your place. We haven't done anything more than the first time, but I'm not complaining. I mean it that I want you comfortable and I want you to move this at your pace. I know where my heart lies, so there is no "too soon" for me to have you. _You_, on the other hand…I still wonder where your heart lies, and whether you are still freaking out on the inside about all of this. Not because you hold back with your body or your time, no – but because I still see that occasional hesitancy in your eyes. There and gone as fast as a firefly flicker, but there nonetheless.

So I don't pressure.

I don't push.

I don't ask.

I don't hint.

You come to me, you come for me, you come because of me – I simply soak up every bit of you I'm given without complaint.

This is good. This feels right. Do you feel it, Bella?

~~~L~S~~~

I meet dad to pick up some things that he and mom have bought for my new apartment or have given me from home. I told mom I didn't want everyone to visit until the place was put together, but dad was still willing to meet me and drop off the few pieces of furniture I'll need and the new sheets, towels, and kitchen things mom insisted I have.

We unload into the storage unit, making small talk.

"You sure you're going to have enough help moving in and setting up?" Dad asks.

"Yeah, Dad, it's fine," I say. "I've got Garrett and his truck, a buddy from school, and Bella."

"Bella." It's a statement, not a question. He knows I'll tell him.

"Yeah, Dad. She's…_amazing_. Smart, beautiful, just – " I say, pausing. I'm not sure how much I want to say yet, but I also know I want everyone to know of you. "Dad, I swear, I _know_ I'm young, but I have _never_ been this drawn to any person, _ever_."

"You meet her at school?" he asks.

* * *

**Not much action, but I was a bit stuck and needed a transition. More soon! xo ~ Holly**


	31. Chapter 31

"Nah, I saw her at Garrett's over a month, maybe month-and-a-half ago," I say. "She's a teacher. High school English and Literature."

"Teacher? So, she's older?"

"Yep. Ten years, to be exact." I have no shame in this. We're adults. I also have never made it a habit to lie to my parents. We've dealt with some crap in our lives, and it only ever hurt us if we weren't honest and forthcoming with information. I hope you don't care, but at some point, it would come out.

To his credit, Dad doesn't flinch or even slow down his movements. "She's good with that?" he asks.

"She's…dealing," I say with a shrug.

"Are you happy?" he asks.

"Extraordinarily so. I mean, it'd be better if I didn't sense her hesitancy from time to time, but yeah – I want this, want her. I'm patient, Dad. I can wait her out," I say with a big grin.

"Of that I have no doubt," he says, laughing. "Do we get to meet her?"

"I'd love to have you guys up after I'm settled – bring Alice and Jasper, too?"

"We'd love it. We'll make it happen."

I need to talk to you first, before plans are made. I'm ready, are you?

~~~L~S~~~

"Hey, gorgeous," I smile into the phone.

"_Hey, you. I miss your face."_

"Just my face?"

"_Nope, I suppose the rest of you is okay, too…"_

"_Okay_? Just 'okay?'"

"_Yeah, I think so…it's kind of hard to remember…" _I hear your smile.

"Well, it seems I need to help you remember I'm so much more than '_okay_.' Can I see you tonight? We can talk about moving day and stuff."

"_Moving day. Sexy." _If I have my way, it just could be…

"Well, any topic is open for discussion after that, of course," I tell you. I just need to kiss you. It has been a few days, and I'm hungry for your skin. Do you crave me just as much?

"_Sounds good. I'm home. I'll cook for you. Get here as soon as you can, okay?"_

"You got it, gorgeous. I'll be there soon." I love you.

Yeah, I do. Already. I wish I could tell you.

* * *

**Gah. I'm sorry, I feel like it's going nowhere, and I need to get them out of this hole. I'll try to get them moving forward!**


	32. Chapter 32

"You have – " _kiss_ " – garlic – " _kiss_ " - breath," you say against my lips.

"Wha-HUT? I hhhhhhhaaaaave guh-HAR-lic bre-HETH, you suh-haaaaay?" I make sure to breathe as much of my breath in your face as possible before breaking into laughter.

"_Ugh!_ Stop it! Yes!" You palm my entire face to push me away.

"As I recall, it's _your_ fault I have this garlic breath, and if I'm not mistaken, you, missy, have the same!" I tickle you as you topple back on the couch. I quickly move to hover over you, rubbing my nose against your nose, your jaw, your lips. "Do you still want me to get away? Garlic-breath?" I punctuate my last question with a sucking kiss just below your ear.

"You don't play fair," you whisper-moan, holding my head to your neck.

I stop and pull back to start at your face. "I'm not playing."

You stare at me. I can tell you catch my double-meaning, and it's a tense few seconds in my mind while I wait to see if you have one of "those" moments – one of those hesitations that take you away from me for a bit. I'm thankful you ease my mind quickly this time. You don't reassure me with words – I'd love nothing more than to hear you say, "Neither am I" – but instead you pull yourself up as you pull me down, kissing me so hard and so deep.

You want this, I know it. You want me to want you; you want to feel as cherished as you are. You want to believe in this, you want to feel that I'm real and I could be permanent. But you still can't give over all your fears about my age. I can see it as plain as if you had it tattooed on your skin. It's knowing that there's that part of you willing to try – even without expectations – that makes me believe I will succeed. Someday. Someday I will look in your eyes and there will be no trace of hesitation, no longing for different circumstances, no wish for a closer age. Until then, I will enjoy chipping away at all your defenses, even if I have to go through your body to do so.

While our intimacy has been fairly tame thus far, I feel the need and want to go further. Still, I defer to you, and I let you choose our pace, our path. You must feel the same desperation I do, because you skip touching and move straight to the button of my jeans.

"I want to taste you, Edward," you say, moving your lips against mine. I choke back a low moan. "Will you let me?"

I stare in your eyes. I see no hesitancy, no second-guessing. I see only want, desire, need. I'm looking in a mirror. "_Yes_."


	33. Chapter 33

You push me back upright and move from the couch, settling between my legs. I think to help with my jeans, but part of me wants to see you take all control. I can't take my eyes off yours.

You are so confident in this moment – so strong, so sexy and beautiful. There is no age difference. There are no rules. There is only man and woman.

You stare back in my eyes as you continue to pull down my jeans and underwear to my ankles. You fold your warm fingers around me and smile at my moan. I still can't look away. You do, though – you look at me in your hand. I swear I feel your gaze like a touch – up and down and all around. I twitch in your hand at the thought. You smile. I reach to cup your cheek with my hand which earns me another look and smile. You hold my eyes as you lean forward and so slowly lick the head and envelope me in your warm mouth.

It's so difficult in this moment not to thrust, but to let you move at your pace. I want to lean my head back and close my eyes, but I want to see your face even more. Yes, it's just oral sex – your mouth, my cock. But it _is_ more intimate than that. It's as though this isn't something that just anyone can do for just anyone else.

I trail my fingers through your hair as you love me with your mouth. I won't deny how erotic and dirty it is to see me disappearing and reappearing between your beautiful, kiss-swollen red lips, even as I simultaneously see you as precious and sweet.

I'm not a fan of announcing my impending climax, but I have no idea what you want to do with it, so I simply whisper out an "almost there" so you can be warned. Just as I'd hoped, you stay put, sucking and pulling harder, sending me over the edge and taking everything I have.

Before you have barely pulled away, I lunge forward and pull you to me. I hug you so hard and then kiss you the same. My body may be momentarily spent, but my brain is more turned-on than before. I know what I want, and I'm going to use your same words on you.

"I want to taste you," I say between kisses. "Will you let me?"

A moan, then a "yes," and I have you lying back on the couch, pulling your jeans off. I lean in to your sex, skimming the surface of your underwear with my nose, my lips. I breathe you in, and the heady musk of you is intoxicating. I breathe a hot breath over you as I being to remove your panties.

I want so much to go slowly and make this good for you, so I purposely lean back and make sure you look at me. I lock eyes with you and hold them as I lean in for one long…slow…lick from bottom to top. Your eyes flutter closed and you moan again, and I then hold nothing back.

It's not long before you are a quivering mass of girl in my hands, in my mouth. I add fingers inside and out, curling and pushing slowly, then faster. Flicking, licking, sucking, pushing, pumping. I want to see you come apart, just like the first time. I want your face, your sounds, your eyes.

"Look at me, give me your eyes," I say.

You look down at me just as I suck your most sensitive part in my mouth and push my fingers in and out slowly, then harder. I'm rewarded with your climax, your hands in my hair, your shaking legs, your moans. I stroke slowly with my fingers as you come down, finally removing them altogether. I scoot forward just enough to place my cheek against your belly. You stroke my hair.

"Thank you," I whisper.

You chuckle. "_You're_ thanking _me_? No one has ever offered me thanks for them doing _that_. Besides, _I'm_ the one to thank _you_."

"They're all fucking idiots. I still thank you – I'm pretty sure that was the best dessert I've ever had."

"Oh, really?"

"Mmmm-hmm. Even better than tiramisu, and that's saying _a lot_." You laugh and I join in. Next to your pleasure, your laugh is the best sound in the world.

* * *

***shaking it off* Good GRAVY that stuff is hard for me to write! Gah! Okay. So...yeah. That happened. And then...? Oh, yeah! He needs to tell her she'll meet his family...almost forgot about that! Got a little...sidetracked. *fans self***


	34. Chapter 34

"So…" I begin, knowing I needed to let you in on the conversation with my dad.

"Yeah?"

"My dad came up the other day and helped me load the stuff they gave me in the storage place. I told him about you. My family would like to meet you," I say. I figure there's no reason to beat around the bush.

"Oh."

Not the response I wanted, but you haven't bolted, so I have hope.

"Nothing major – just, they'll come up after I'm settled in and visit. Would you want to meet them?" I ask you. I'm hopeful, but I figure nonchalant is the best approach with you. If I don't make it a big deal, maybe you won't.

"Do they know I'm…that we're…?" you ask, your cheeks flaming.

"I only saw Dad, and I told him we were dating. And since I know you're wondering, yes, I told him our age difference."

"Oh, _awesome_. That's just…great. Yeah. I'm sure dear ol' Dad can't _wait_ to meet the cradle-robber who could have been his son's babysitter. _Ugh_!" You exclaim, throwing your head back on the couch and covering your face.

I sit quietly, letting you have your little moment. I want to jump in and reassure you, but you probably won't listen yet, so I wait you out. It takes a minute or two, but you finally pull your hands away and look at me. You scowl at the smile on my face.

"You done?" I ask, still smiling.

"Maybe. No. I don't know."

"Bella?"

"What?"

"Do you want to know what my dad asked me after I told him our age difference?" I ask. You stare a moment before shrugging and nodding. "He asked me if you were good with it, and he asked if I was happy. I told him you were dealing and that I was extraordinarily happy, and he said he'd love for them to meet you."

You stare in thought, brow furrowing. I imagine you were waiting for news of an angry tirade or a critical disapproval of our relationship.

"That's…nice. He doesn't care? _Wow_. I'm…yeah. I can meet them, but can we - ? Can we have a little more time, first?" you ask, all traces of the confident, sexy woman from before replaced with this hesitant, shy girl you show me now.

"I'll give you whatever you need, Bella. I have all the time in the world," I say, stroking your cheek. I'm always telling you more than my words alone can say. I hope you hear _all_ I'm telling you.


	35. Chapter 35

Moving was good, easy. With you, Pete and Garrett, it wasn't too hard. Well, not until you stayed after to help with things like making up my bed in new, clean sheets. Yes, it was definitely "hard" to see you bent and stretching out over my bed.

Were you thinking what I was thinking when I caught eyes with you then? When your cheeks pinked and you bit your lip? Oh, pretty girl – I'm ready when you are.

~~~L~S~~~

Things are good. We establish a routine of sorts, though nothing is ever scheduled or held fast. Sometimes you come here, sometimes I go there. Sometimes we're at our homes alone depending on how tired we are or how busy our days were.

I haven't brought up my family visiting again. I know you wanted more time, so I'm giving you what you want. They're asking, though, and want to know when, so I'll give you a few more days before broaching the subject again.

~~~L~S~~~

We're doing what we do – making out, touching, grinding, drawing it out before finishing each other off.

"I want more," you whisper in my ear, sucking on my lobe.

"Whatever you need, gorgeous," I whisper back against your neck. Lick, suck, nip.

"_More_, more," you say, kissing my jaw.

I still and lean back to look in your eyes. "More? Like _the_ more?"

You nod. I swallow back a moan and kiss you hard before lifting up so we can move to the bedroom.

And this is how it happens. Any given Thursday. June something-or-other. No plan, no fanfare, no candles or grand gestures, just this, just us. It's on the tip of my tongue to ask if you're sure, but I won't plant seeds of doubt, and I don't believe you have any. Not about the sex, anyway.

In my room, we slowly remove clothes. We both give attention to each new bit of skin the other exposes. I'm so hard and wanting, but the urgency of our makeout sessions is gone. It's like since we know it's going to happen, the feeling of desperation no longer has a place.

When we're both bare, I cradle you to me before lying us both down on the bed. I push up and sit back. I want to see all of you.

"You are so incredibly lovely," I say, looking in your eyes.

"So are you," you say, reaching for my hands. "I want you so much it scares me a little." Your voice shakes.


	36. Chapter 36

"I don't want you to be scared. Not about me, not _anything_," I say earnestly, leaning back down to hold you.

"I can't help it," you whisper.

"Then do this for me, at least," I start. I place my hand over your heart and press gently. "Trust in _this_, okay? Don't think too much, just feel. Just feel how much you want me, how much I want you. I can't promise you things won't fail anymore than you can promise me, but I _can_ promise you that I will never intentionally hurt you."

"You seem so much wiser than your years, Edward Cullen," you say, smiling, eyes watery.

"I only know what's in my heart, Bella. I know what I want. I know _who_ I want. And I know I don't want it to end. If you need time to get where I am, that's fine, I'm patient. But don't doubt me. And don't do this if you're not sure, right now, that you want me. I don't want to walk away from you, but it will be so much harder to do after we do _this_." I push lightly against your hips to make sure I'm clear.

"Oh, I want you. That's what…" you pause, you stare. "You know what? No more talking."

I take you at your word and take your mouth with mine. We are by turns fast and slow, hard and soft. You feel incredible, and I hope I am making you feel as amazing. I find I wish I could climb inside your head and read every thought, feel every feeling. I want to know your pleasure from the inside out. It's this thinking that keeps me from ending too soon. You're under me, over me, all around me. You're too much and not enough, and I try to tell you so.

"So, so, just…_everything_," I say, watching you move.

"Never, Edward…" you moan.

"Never, what?"

"Never felt so…so…_full_," you say shakily. "And I don't…mean…your…size." You're over me, moving up, down.

I know exactly what you mean, gorgeous. It's on the tip of my tongue to tell you exactly how full-up you make me feel, but I'll settle for a simple affirmation. For now.

"I know, gorgeous. _Believe_ me, I know."


	37. Chapter 37

I trace lyrics on your skin. You are on your stomach in my bed, dozing in and out, and yet I can't seem to find quiet enough in my head to sleep. I want to write a song or ten – a symphony, even. I'm wired, buzzing from the electricity of your touch. It feels like you're in my DNA now. Like we're fused. I was serious when I warned you not to be with me if you didn't really want me. This feels like so much more than sex. It feels how I feared – like you will gut me if you walk away now. Like cutting my skin to remove a tattoo. Like extracting my heart one cell at a time.

"Play me something?" you ask sleepily.

"What do you want to hear?" I ask.

"Surprise me."

I slide away to get my guitar and return to lean against the headboard beside you. I feel so heavy from the weight of my feelings, and while they don't frighten me, I want to bring some lightness. I want to tease you, I want that beautiful giggle. I start plucking and strumming.

"_Ma-nah-ma-nah, do-do-dee-do-do, ma-nah-ma-nah, doot-doo-doo-doo,"_ I sing.

You don't disappoint me, as you start silently laughing and shaking before your laughter bursts out of you in howls.

When you finally settle down, you look at me with such a puzzled face.

"What?"

"I'm surprised you even know that – that's old school Sesame Street, right there," you say, giggling again.

"Hey, my tastes are varied and awesome," I say. "And I was raised right." I slow things down and start strumming something else – soft, melodic.

"Mmmm, that's nice," you say, closing your eyes and settling into the pillow. After a few quiet moments, you look at me and ask if this tune has words.

"I can make some, hang on," I say. No time like the present. You're relaxed, you're peaceful, and I need an answer.

"_Gorgeous girl, lovely girl, tell me, tell me please…when, oh when can I talk you in-to, meeting my fa-mi-ly?"_ I sing.

Your smile drops, but only just. Your hesitation is making me more nervous than I'm comfortable with, but I keep strumming. Playing it cool. Keeping it light. I smile.

"Call them," you say, serious. Then you smile. The relief I feel is a rush of warmth over my heart.

* * *

**If you don't know the silly song he sings from Sesame Street, well...I don't know what to say. Here you go, though, just in case (remove spaces):**

**www . youtube watch?v=aKULi72yUko&feature=my_liked_videos&list=LL7Y6KwErtNoqltCvk73jbZQ (put a dot com after the youtube followed by a / since it refuses to leave it in there, even with spaces. grrrr)**


	38. Chapter 38

**I'm sorry this is not updating daily - I sincerely hope to do better! On the upside, I'm blown away, humbled and thankful for all the alerts, reviews and favorites! You all make me smile like...you just make me smile! 8) -See?**

* * *

Since my birthday was coming up on June twentieth, Mom and Dad decided to come then.

In the meantime, you and I continue much as we have been, only we aren't simply making out anymore. You seem as insatiable as I am. Your place, my place, doesn't matter. We don't have sex every time we're together, but nearly.

Tonight, we're at your place. Your cell rings as I excuse myself to the restroom. When I come out, you're in your kitchen cooking while talking on the phone.

"Mom, I'm fine," I hear you say with exasperation. It seems you don't realize I've come back in earshot, and I'm about to go make my presence known to you when your next words stop me.

"I don't _need_ a man, Mom, geez," you say. Are you telling her you aren't being too needy with me? Or does she even know about me? It isn't long before you answer my silent questions.

"I'm fine with being alone, Mom. When the right guy comes along, fine, but I'm not looking, okay? It's no big deal," you tell her. "No, you will _not_ set me up – I am very happy with how things are right now, thank you very much."

While you allude to being happy "right now," it's clear she doesn't know you're seeing someone. I want to curl into a ball. You'll be meeting my family soon, and you haven't mentioned me yet to your mom? Granted, I haven't asked you to, but the fact that you'll be meeting my family sort of makes me think that you'd have thought about me meeting yours. I guess not.

I try not to get upset. I remind myself I agreed to "no promises, no expectations," but this is a clear indicator that you aren't willing to own up to this – whatever this is. I might have called it a relationship a minute ago, but now I'm not sure if you're just in this for fun.

Still, there's something in your way. The way you are with me – the things you say, the looks in your eyes – something tells me there is more for you, too. You're just still more reserved about it than I thought, hoped. I guess I thought when you said you wanted "more" you _meant_ more – everything.

I backtrack, and then fake a sneeze as I approach the kitchen door to let you know I'm around. You jump a little and eye me over your shoulder. Dare I say you look a little guilty?

"Mom – yeah. Really? That's good, that sounds just like you," you say, making the talking sign with your other hand and rolling your eyes. "Mom? Dinner's about to be toast – I gotta go. Yeah. I love you, too. 'Bye."

You pocket your phone, smiling at me. You turn to work on dinner some more, and I sense you hope I don't ask any questions.

Don't worry, Bella, I won't. You don't know I heard a thing, but I'm not willing to confront you. Not yet. If you're still a flight risk, I'm certainly not going to fuel the plane for you.


	39. Chapter 39

**I know y'all want to be in Bella's head, but I prefer Edward's, sorry... You WILL soon learn of her hesitancy, though. It's labeled "drama and romance," but I ASSURE you this is no angsty drama - just her melodramatic reasoning.**

* * *

As we eat, quieter than usual, I think of ways to work your phone call in without giving anything away. I don't think it's out-of-line for me to wonder if I'm going to meet your family, seeing as you're going to meet mine.

"So, how's your mom?"

"She's good. Crazy as usual. She always has too many irons in the fire, you know? She's starting a pottery class and 'piloxing' this week, for example," you say with a shake of your head.

"_Piloxing?_"

"Yeah, it's like some hybrid pilates/kickboxing thing. I can't even – how would that even work?" you ask, truly confused.

"Bella, I don't even know what pilates is, so you're asking the wrong guy," I say, laughing. "She sounds like a hoot, though." _Here goes._ "I hope I get to meet her someday." I keep my tone light, I don't want this to sound or feel like the pressure that I really mean it to be. Want it to be.

"Florida is quite a far trip," you say. You didn't say "no," but you didn't exactly say "yes," either. Shit.

"Yeah, well. I'd still like to meet her and your dads. Someday."

"Someday," you whisper. You actually have a small little smile on your face, though you're looking down. There – _that_ right there is what I keep holding fast to.

We finish up, clean, and it's a little off tonight. I tell you I'm going to head home because of an early lesson in the morning, and you don't try to convince me to stay. I expected as much, but I still wish you would. Thought I won't push, I still want to remind you why I'm there, why we're where we are, doing what we do.

I lean down as if to kiss you quickly, but as you begin to pull away, I grab your face in both hands. I stare in your eyes a few beats, and, keeping them open and trained on yours, I kiss you with all the love and passion I have pent up in this heart. I hold you hard and close, and as you let out a moan, I pull your arms around my waist and move mine to double over your back. There is not one molecule of air between us, save for our shared breaths. I just want to crawl inside of your chest and stay there, but more than that, I want you to want that, too.

I'm unrelenting in this kiss, all tongue and deep and nips and possessing, but you don't pull away. I know you're mine. I _know_ it. The fervency of that thought overrides my better judgment with you, my careful aloofness. Before I can even think, I leave your mouth and whisper in your ear, "You can cross the line whenever you want to, but I'm calling it love soon."*

You gasp, and I take your mouth once more before turning and leaving quickly. Part of me hopes I didn't say too much, but most of me doesn't care. You need to know where my heart lies.

* * *

***(Nearly) direct quote from the song inspiration for the story. Felt like it actually fit, though I hadn't planned on him saying exactly that. **

**And "piloxing?" Yeah, no joke, there's a poster for it at the rec center where I take my kids every day. The blondie on it looks scary, and though I DO know what both pilates and kickboxing are, I still can't imagine how they can be combined!**

**Thanks for all the love, sweetpeas! xo ~Holly**


	40. Chapter 40

I don't hear from you for a couple of days, though you do respond if I text you. Small talk. Minutiae. Nothing. My words weigh heavily on me, and apparently, on you, too. Still, I can't regret them. If you _are_ going to run, no matter what, I guess sooner is better than later. I can't make you stay, I can't make you feel what I feel, though I cannot let go of the notion that you do, you just won't admit it to yourself.

It's a Thursday, and Garrett has asked me to do a set. I'm grateful. It's a nice reprieve to give over to the notes and chords and lyrics instead of worrying over you, us. I do let you know, though. I hope you show, but I expect that you won't.

Halfway through my set, I get a strange sensation – almost as if I'm being watched. Ridiculous, considering half or more of the eyes in this joint are on me anyway. But it's different. It's you. I don't seek you out, but instead I choose to pretend I don't know you're here. I introduce the next song as not one of my own, just something I'm feeling and want to get out.

I'm pushing it. I'm pushing it hard, and I know it. And I've decided that I care even less than the other night. I want nothing more than for you to run to me and not away, but if you really are going to run, it would be better for me if you did it now and didn't string me along. So, if pushing these feelings makes you run sooner, so be it.

"This is 'Falling Slowly' by Glen Hansard," I say. A couple of whistles, claps, "yeahs."

I keep my eyes on my guitar most of the time, but as I sing, "You _have suffered enough__ / __And warred with yourself__ / __It's time that you won_," my eyes find you of their own volition. I wish I could say you don't look scared to death, but you do. A little bit of my resolve crumbles and I want nothing but to take away that fear and uncertainty. Pushing you as I am is having the opposite effect. I feel deadlocked. The unstoppable force meets the immovable object. Push, pull. Go, stay. Soothe, worry.

My current thoughts will get me nowhere, so I finish out my set more lively than it began. I even noodle a bit off the cuff, making up silly, dirty lyrics to get a few laughs. When I finish and thank everyone, I put my guitar away and head to the bar corner. Our corner. You're there, and I decide to be nonchalant.

"Hey, you," I say, leaning in to kiss your mouth. Short but sweet.

"Hey, fun set tonight," you say, fidgeting with my belt loop.

"Yeah, it's good to be goofy every now and then, keeps me from seeming too stale with the regulars," I respond, swirling an index finger over your thigh.

"So, I've missed you," you say, shyly.

"I've missed you, too," I say, looking at our fiddling fingers instead of your eyes.

"Can you come home with me? Or I can go to you? Or…" you pause, clearly hoping I'll rescue you.

I lean in, placing my hands on your hips and bending to be eye-level with you. "I don't care where we go, or what we do, just be with me."

Do you know I don't mean _just_ tonight? Do you know I sort of mean forever?

* * *

**It's probably painfully obvious I am running off-the-cuff, as in, no outline. I have certain "scenes" I always saw in my head, but I'm learning what it means to "listen" to characters and how that changes/adds/removes things you thought. So, I'm muddling through, but I still don't see this as super-long. IF I had to guess, I would say we have passed the halfway point, though by how much, I'm unsure. At some point sort of soon, we will get to the nitty-gritty of Bella's hesitation, and it will coincide with meeting his sister and Jasper, methinks. Patience, please? Love you all hard for the alerts, adds and reviews! xo ~Holly**


	41. Chapter 41

I follow you to your place. I'm wound tight from all the push-pulling my brain and heart are doing. I'm ecstatic you came to see me, even more that you want to be with me, and I'm crawling out of my skin.

Once inside, we attack each other with such fervor that one would think we'd been separated for weeks or months, not days. It would seem you're even more eager than I am, as you are shedding clothing before the door closes. It's crazy, this desperation. Mine for your love and yours for – what? My love? My _sex_? But it's this desperation that pushes me. I want to take you hard, fast. I want your desperation, your hesitation, your worry. I want to fuck it out of you and have it evaporate in gasping breaths and moans.

I bend you over the back of your couch. "Hold on."

~~L~S~~

We lie in your bed. You're sleeping and I once again trace lyrics and notes along your back, hips, sides, arms. I have no regrets about what we did earlier, and I know you enjoyed it, too. Still, I have an overwhelming desire now to take you slowly, reverently.

So I do.

You come easily out of the fog of sleep and take no time catching up to me. We take our time with each other now. I hold your eyes as much as you'll allow – I never look away, even when you do. I may unnerve you, but I can't stop.

When we've both come down from the high, the shaking subsiding and the breathing coming more slowly, I hold your face. I kiss your mouth. I stare in your eyes.

"I lov—" I say before you interrupt me.

"Don't, Edward. Please don't say that." You plead, a new desperation in your tone. Not the encouraging desperation of before. This is the choking kind. The hurting kind. The painful kind.

"Even if I don't say it, it's true. Why can't you hear it?" I ask as I try to recapture your gaze.

"It's not…that. It's not _love_, Edward."

"Don't tell me what I feel, Bella."

"You just think you love me because it's the best sex you've ever had," you huff and roll your eyes, smiling. I'm sure you're trying to deflect and lighten this heaviness.

"No. _No_. It's the best sex I've ever had _because_ I love you," I say.


	42. Chapter 42

"Edward…" You pause. "We said no promises, no expectations, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember. I never _promised_ I wouldn't fall in love with you. I never _promised_ I wouldn't want your whole heart," I say.

"I can't give you my whole heart," you say. It cuts. It hurts to hear you say it out loud. _Still…_

"Can't? Or _won't_?" I ask.

We're in a stare-down. I'm still inside you, between your legs, skin-to-skin all over and yet this is the most apart from you I've ever felt.

"Can't," you whisper. I keep my eyes locked on you. You still don't know I see through you – I see fear. That's all I see in this moment, and I will cling to it like a life preserver. Because if you don't have fear, I worry you really don't love me. If you don't love me at all, it would be so easy for you to dismiss me. I'd see no fear in your eyes. I will hold to this with all I have.

"We'll see."

"You're fond of saying that, have you noticed?" you ask, annoyed.

"Maybe I'm just fond of proving you wrong," I say with a smirk. I'm hurting a little, but I'd rather keep that to myself at the moment.

"Edward, really – I made no promises," you say. "I don't want you to get your hopes up."

"My hopes are always up, Bella," I tell you earnestly. "But your caveat is duly noted." I pull away from you and head to your bathroom to clean up. When I return to the room, you are sitting up clutching the sheets around you.

"Are you leaving?" you ask with hesitation. You seem convinced I'll say yes. I won't. I won't make it easy for you to discount my feelings. I'm staying, and it will be one more way to show you that you can't scare me away with words of warning and your charade of apathy.

"Not unless you want me to," I say.

"I don't want you to."

"Then I won't go." _Ever_. "I'll stay." _Forever_.

We put on underwear and t-shirts and snuggle in together again. It occurs to me that I should be so angry with you. I _should_ want to call you out on you hot and cold. I _should_ want to demand you not play with me. I _should_ want to tell you "all or nothing." But I don't. Like a soldier in a foxhole, I will wait you out. I will see this through without giving up, even if I have to shoulder enough hope and faith for both of us. It will be worth the waiting, worth the worry and worth the burden of knowing a truth I can't teach you to see you wave the white flag of surrender.

* * *

**Don't hate her...be annoyed with her, but don't hate her. She's not a bad person, swear it. She just needs to get out of her head and into her heart. **


	43. Chapter 43

"So…I have two sets Saturday," I say as I dress to leave. It's a Friday, and I have a couple of lessons to get to.

"Yeah? Garrett needs you bad, huh?" you ask, smiling.

"Something like that. Anyway – one's at six and the other at nine. You don't have to come, of course, but I'd love to see you there," I say as I put my arms around you and hug you tightly.

"Your family is coming that next day, right? This Sunday?" Your voice is muffled from being buried in my neck.

"Yeah, you still coming?" Please say yes, please say yes… I know I just told you I loved you last night, and while it wasn't a disaster, I wouldn't call it a success, either. I'm prepared for you to feel like this is moving too fast now, considering.

"If you still want me there. I know last night I didn't—" you say before I cut you off.

"Hey, no promises, no expectations. I want you there. I'm not changing the rules on you because you're not caught up to the same page in the book I'm on," I say, serious.

"Maybe we aren't reading the same book," you say. There's caution in your tone, but also sadness. Wistfulness?

"Maybe we _are_," I counter.

We stare each other down. I feel like we do this all the time now. See who will break first – whose resolve is stronger, whose conviction more unshakeable.

"I'll see about catching you Saturday night, okay?" you say. I see your avoidance, but I won't call you on it right now.

"And Sunday, yes?" I ask, hopeful.

"I said I would be there, and I will," you say with a smile.

"Alright then. I'll see you tomorrow night, I hope." I lean in to kiss you once more before leaving. "But definitely on Sunday." I turn to go.

I ignore the look of anxious trepidation I see on your face for the briefest of moments.


	44. Chapter 44

I don't see you during my first set. I'm catching some bar food and conversation with Garrett in-between sets when I look up and see you enter. You're with friends, it seems. Admittedly, I didn't pay too close attention the first night I met you, but I am betting they are the same friends.

I wave to you, and you acknowledge me with a smile. You speak to your friends and point to a table where you can sit. I want to rush through the rest of my food and have time to speak to you and meet your friends, but a glance at my watch tells me I have roughly five minutes until my last set. Dammit. I'll just have to make sure to catch you after.

I take the stage and give it my all. I want you to love my words, I want you to love my melodies. I want you to love _me_. I'd love for your friends to love me, too. I'm glad they came. I don't feel I've monopolized your life by any means, but we _have_ been pretty wrapped up in each other for a few weeks. I'm glad to see your other relationships haven't fallen by the wayside. And truth be told, I'd like your friends to be my friends, too.

When I finish and thank the crowd, I stow my guitar behind the bar and head over to your table. You catch sight of me just as I'm about to lean in for a quick kiss, and you turn your head to your friends. They didn't notice your rebuff, but I sure as hell did.

"Hey," I say, trying to sound casual, but I know I sound strained.

"Hey!" one of your friends says. "You're really good, you know? I forgot how good you were from that first time we were here."

"Uh, thanks. I appreciate that," I say genuinely. I'm waiting for you to take the baton and run with this. I'm at a loss since I don't know these people. "So…"

"Guys, this is Edward. Edward, this is Angela and Charlotte," you say, finally joining this awkwardness suffocating me.

"So you know Bella, Edward?" the one named Angela asks. I'm temporarily stunned. Yeah, I _know_ her. I have both carnal and intellectual knowledge of her. I know how to play her body like my guitar and I know how to make her laugh. I know her fear. I _know_ her, alright. Why the hell don't _you_ know I know her? I look to you, but you are studying your beer bottle as though it contains the secret of life.

"I…" I begin, but you cut me off.

"Yeah, uh, I've been a few times. I really liked his music, and I've become somewhat of a fan, so I've come to listen a few times," you say, waving a hand as if to dismiss all this fuckery as no big deal.

* * *

**That "drama" I mentioned? Coming right up! Remember - this isn't super-heavy, mmmkay? )**


	45. Chapter 45

"Oh, well, Bella, you should have dragged us out with you more," Charlotte says. "I mean, I know we're 'old married ladies' and all, but we're not chained to the oven door, you know!" She and Angela laugh, and you give a half-hearted chuckle.

"Yeah, um…" you say. "Yeah. I should have, sorry. I just didn't want to cause problems with the men." You are so uncomfortable. It's oozing from your pores. You want a lifeline, but I won't throw you one. I tried to look past you not telling your mother, but not even your friends know you're seeing me?

"No, I get it," Charlotte says. "You just don't want to share the eye candy, I see how it is!" She laughs, and you can't even muster a smile this time.

"Shut up, Charlotte," you say, giving her that "you're embarrassing me" look.

"Oh, Bella, I'm just teasing, Geez," she says. "But Edward, are you single? If you are, Bella could use someone like you to loosen her up and get the stick out of her ass!"

"Charlotte!" you whisper-yell. "Shut. Up."

"Leave her alone, Char," Angela says. "'Sex for fun' isn't exactly Bella's thing, not that I blame her. Besides, I think we're embarrassing poor Edward over there."

My face must be ten different shades of red. If they only knew it was shades of "fucking pissed off" and not shades of embarrassment…

"Oh, no, I'm fine," I say, smiling. "Bella's beautiful. Gorgeous. I'd certainly be willing to help her get that stick out." Your mouth drops, staring at me. Incredulous. Hurt. I don't look away, and I continue to smile. I don't want to hurt you, _ever_, but this is so fucking ridiculous.

"There you go, Bella!" Charlotte says. "Get your cougar on!"

"Enough!" you say, slapping her arm. "I'm not a…_cougar_."

You say the words, but I see it so clearly. You _believe_ you are. You see yourself as some old hag desperately bedding a young man to hold on to your youth. You've been mired down all this time, thinking of yourself this way. Before I can even say anything, Charlotte speaks.

"Whatever. Semantics. I'm just saying, you could use a handsome, willing young man to break your dry spell," Charlotte says with a wink.

I can't take this any longer.

"Ladies, it has been a pleasure, but I have to get home and get ready for guests tomorrow," I say, looking at both women before settling my eyes on you. This time, I don't smile. "I really appreciate you coming to see me."

At that, I step away, grab my guitar from the bar and head out the back entrance to the parking lot. Just as I clear the door, I hear you.

"Edward, wait!"

* * *

**That patience our boy has been showing? He's lost it, and she's about to find out. We all have a breaking point.**


	46. Chapter 46

"Wait, please," you say again. You approach me as though I were a wild animal about to pounce. You're not wrong.

"What the hell, Bella?" I growl. "I tried to look past you not telling your mom, but not even your _friends_ know who I am? I seem to be your best-kept secret. Oh, except for the big secret as to why you fight this, fight _me_, so desperately. Apparently, you're _full_ of secrets!"

"You know about my mom?" you ask. You have the good sense to look chagrined.

"Yeah, I wasn't trying to, but I heard you tell her you don't need a man and that you're happy being single. Yeah. I let it go, though. I've let _every_ fucking thing go, Bella. Every hesitation you have, every doubt, every warning. But I can't now. If you're going to run, if you can't do this, I'm not going to try to convince you," I say. "And as much as it _kills_ me to think of not being with you ever again, I won't be a dirty little secret for you. You're supposed to meet my parents tomorrow, Bella! My _parents_! And you can't tell yours, or your friends? What am I supposed to do with that?"

"We said no promises," you say, but I cut you off.

"Yeah, I know what we said. And I know what you said – you've been sworn, I read your complaint. I've heard your warning. 'I need someone older,' you said. 'Day-by-day,' you said. I stupidly hoped you'd realize how great we are and you'd get past all that crap. But here we are. You're lying to everyone who loves you. Including me." I turn to walk away, but your next words stop me dead.

"It's so easy for you," you say.

"Easy? _Easy_, Bella? Let me tell you, it's not easy to watch the woman you've fallen in love with deny your existence, your place in her life," I spit out.

"Not that. Being with me. It just…it seems like it's so easy for you. You never, not _once_, thought badly of our age difference? Not _one time_ did you think about how this would look?" you ask, pleading with me to share your doubt.

"No. Never."

You scoff. "Right," you say. "I guess it's your youth and confidence that just lets you think everything is rosy and the world doesn't run on image and what people think. You're too young to have to worry about how it all looks, right? You've never been judged a day in your life, I bet."

"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about," I say angrily. "Maybe I just know that life is too precious to waste it on worrying what others think. Maybe I just know that it could all be over tomorrow and I wouldn't want to waste a day thinking I'm not meeting some stranger's expectations."

"You're _nineteen_, Edward. Or…twenty, _whatever_. You have your whole life ahead of you. I don't think you need to cling to this – whatever this is – based on some morbid idea that it could all end tomorrow," you say, sounding the only time, ever, like an adult admonishing a child.

"Nineteen. Bella, _nineteen_ is the age my sister Alice was when she wrapped her car around a telephone pole after some ignorant, careless asshole hit her. He was texting and driving. She was in a coma for days, Bella. _Days_. She suffered a TBI, and now she's the intellectual equivalent of an eight-year-old. We almost lost her, Bella, but she's here. My older sister may now seem like my younger sister, but she's _here_. So don't fucking tell me life isn't short, okay?"

* * *

**TBI = traumatic brain injury. And speaking of...I haven't done a lick of research on it. Awesome for a librarian to say, no? There won't be loads of details or interactions for me to have done research for, but I am assuming (based on a hs friend whose brother had a wreck and couldn't function mentally at his previous age) that it's possible for Alice's injury to have damaged parts that keep her from progressing intellectually, and damaging or erasing previously acquired knowledge. It's also not my intent to offend if these details are slightly off, and absolutely no "fun" will be made. I have nothing but respect and admiration for people who've had to deal with such things. But for this? It's fiction. I'm taking care to be respectful but still somewhat realistic, and I hope you can go with me on that. (Sorry for the freaking long a/n!) xo ~Holly**


	47. Chapter 47

You gasp. "Edward, I didn't know, you never said—"

"Yeah, I know," I say, cutting you off. "I _do_ know being judged Bella, so you were wrong about that, too. My whole family has had to deal with a lot because of this. Was it wrong to not tell you ahead of time? Maybe, I don't fucking know. But I thought that if you knew, you'd have too much time to freak out, to worry. That you'd, I don't know, go in thinking a certain way about her instead of just getting to know who she is right now. I guess that makes me guilty of judging, too, huh?" I chuckle with no humor.

"I'm so, so sorry, Edward," you say, touching my arm.

Now it's my turn to scoff. "Don't! _Don't_ be sorry, Bella! Don't be sorry for not knowing, and for secrets, and for not being sure of anything. Don't be sorry for doubts, or your opinions, or your worries. Just _be._ Just get out of your own goddamned way and _be_ – can you do that?"

You look like a fish out of water, opening and closing your mouth. "It's not that easy!" you yell.

"It _is_ that easy, Bella, if you let it be. Live your fucking life. Live it for _you_! Be happy, and don't live for some fucked-up notion of 'normal' or 'expected,' okay? Just…just _be_, Bella." I don't even want to care if I've pissed you off. I know you've been holding back. I know you think I'm not supposed to "fit." "You think you know what you want. Someone 'safe.' Conventional. I know what you really want, though, Bella, but we're never going to make it until you're honest with yourself. Until you figure this out. I can't keep telling you. I can't keep showing you. I'm out of ideas, here, so I'm out until you're ready."

"What do you mean, exactly?" you ask, your voice quivering, tears threatening.

"It fucking kills me to walk away from you for a minute, let alone indefinitely. But I'm walking away until you admit you want all of me. All of _this_. It's your call," I say, backing away. "The minute hand moves faster than you think, Bella." I pause, knowing I can't leave without saying one, final thing.

"You didn't want to hear it the other day. You didn't want to hear it, but I said it and you know it's true. I've shown you all along, even before I used the words. I _love_ you, Bella. I love you with all my heart and soul and I'm pretty sure I have since the second night I saw you. And I don't care if you don't want to hear it. I don't care if it addles your brain. At least I told you. At least I let you know that there is a person in this world who thinks you're everything."

I turn and head to my car. I don't even want you to come after me. I know if you did, I would always doubt your motivation. I want you to think about everything, really _think_ before you even try to talk to me.

But I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope with all my heart and soul that you will come back to me. It's with that thought and a look in my rear view mirror to see your face in your hands that I drive away.

* * *

**Deep breaths. Unlike Bella and Edward, I _will_ make you a promise. This isn't going to be some long, drawn-out separation, okay? So don't worry. He's not leaving the country, he's just not going to seek her out. She has to come to him. Also, I think I'd like to shoot for 60 chapters. I don't know...six is my favorite number, it's nice and round...but that's what I'll try to shoot for, and that gives you an idea how much is left. THANK YOU ALL for the reviews - you have seriously made my heart smile! And thank you to the silent readers, too! xo ~Holly**


	48. Chapter 48

I stumble out of bed when it's barely six a.m. I couldn't sleep for shit, thinking of you – your friends, your avoidance, your assumptions, your quivering voice, your face in your hands as I drove away…

I've done nothing but analyze you – _us_ – this whole time, but I still wonder if I moved too fast with you. I know my head caught up to my heart quickly, and while I knew yours likely hadn't, I still said "fuck it" and pushed you this last week or so. Hell, I even told myself I was willing to just have the physical with you if that's all you wanted, but…somewhere along the way, I knew I couldn't go on like that for too much longer. It's one thing to believe you feel a certain way about me, but to never hear the words? To never know you're as invested as I am? No, I couldn't do that indefinitely after all, it seems.

I do hate that it seems like I changed the rules on you without telling you I had a problem with them, but I also never suspected you'd be so cruel as to flat-out ignore our relationship in front of your friends. The phone call with your mom was one thing – you didn't know I could hear. But this? This _hurt_. It seems as though you showed up with the intent to ignore me, to make sure I knew you were doing it, too. I don't get it. Maybe I knew you were hesitant, but I never believed you were _mean_.

And that has me in a tailspin. My heart still wants you, _craves_ you. I still can't ignore that I feel like you're my match. We mesh, we fit. I don't even feel like we're two halves of a whole – I feel like you're so much a part of me that my half isn't discernible from your half. How is it possible to so quickly lose myself in another human being? How is it fair that that human being doesn't feel the same? Or does, but won't – _gah_. I need to stop obsessing over you and get ready to see my family today. My family who expects to be meeting my girlfriend...

_Happy Fucking Birthday to me._ I thought you'd be here to celebrate with me. You said you would. But then, I guess you never promised, either.

* * *

**So, no progression, but I felt like he needed to think a little. All will be explained about Bella, and NO - just to tease you a bit, she's NOT mean, she's just...an idiot. )**


	49. Chapter 49

My family shows up exactly at ten a.m., punctual as ever. It's that punctuality that kept me from hoping it was you when I heard the knock on the door. I know I'll be letting them in on what happened to some extent, but Alice is so quick to pick up and take on the mood of those around her, so I do my best to be happy.

Really, it's not hard to be happy around her. She was a great person before, but since her accident, there's just something so magnetic about my sister. Maybe it's the childlike enthusiasm and optimism. She's like a long-burning campfire - glowing and warm, safe. There are no surprises with Alice. Well, except for her occasional irreverent comments and observations. But her love is a constant. If Alice loves you, she loves you fiercely and you never doubt it. I wish you could know her. I wish you loved like she does. I still want to believe you do – or that you can.

I pull open the door to find four huge smiles, a shout of "Happy Birthday!" in stereo, and balloons. Yes, _balloons_. And I love it, every bit. Mom is the first to pounce.

"Hi, sweetie!" Big hug, big kiss. "Happy Birthday!"

"Hey, Mom, thank you," I say, hugging her tightly. "I'm so glad to see you all."

"And we're glad to see you, too," Dad says, hugging me next. "What is – what's that? Is that gray hair I see?" he asks, mock-inspecting my temples. I swat his hands away, smiling.

"No, you're just looking in the mirror, old man," I say, laughing.

"Edward!" Alice has had enough waiting for my attention apparently, as she pushes Dad aside and practically tackles me. "I miss you, Edward! I wish you still lived at home." Pouting.

I hug her tightly and feel my heart swell and burn at her words. "I know, Al, I miss you, too. It's just better to stay up here for school and lessons now, but I'll still come visit."

"You better," she says, giving me the stink-eye before plopping on the couch. Jasper steps up for the "man hug," the handshake/back-slap combo.

"How's it going, man?" he asks. "Happy Birthday."

"Good, thank you. It's good to see you," I say, and it is. I don't want my heart on my sleeve with my family here – I want this to be a fun day. Still, I'm hurting, so it's good to have four people in my space right now who I _know_ love me without condition.

As much fun as I have talking, laughing and eating with my family, I still can't help but feel like there's a piece missing from this picture.


	50. Chapter 50

**I do believe it's a happy accident that I still had one more chapter of Edward's birthday to write, and today is - June 20th, Edward's birthday in real life! Except it's still not real life, it's fiction, but...well, you know what I mean... *whistles***

* * *

Aside from a few brief, questioning looks from mom and dad, no one asks me outright about you. I know Dad said he wasn't going to tell Alice, just in case something happened and you couldn't be here. Much like a child, she would have hated the change of plans or unmet expectations. It's not until I'm in the kitchen rinsing dishes for the washer that Dad finally asks me.

"So, Bella? I thought she'd be here," he asks casually, cautiously.

I could tell him everything. Still, I don't want to tell him about last night with your friends. I don't know _if_ anything will come of us, but if I make them dislike you before they even meet you, I'm doing all of us a huge disservice and starting off any future we may have in the hole.

"You remember what I said when you asked how she was handling the age difference?" I ask, handing him a dish for the washer.

"Yeah, I think you said she was 'dealing with it' or something like that," he says.

"Well…she's not _dealing_ with it so well right now," I say. "She's…I just kind of told her I was going to leave her alone until she figured out what she wanted."

"That's very mature of you," he says with a sad smile.

"Yeah, well. _Mature_," I snort. "I _feel_ like throwing a toddler fit, shaking her shoulders and screaming at her to see what I see."

"And what is it that you see?"

"I…love her. I'm in love with her, Dad. I know I'm still 'young' and all that, but my heart knows her. My heart wants her. That's all I know. I never felt this strongly for either of my girlfriends, Dad. Never."

"I can definitely see that. And I didn't say you were 'young,' you know – I mean, _yeah_, by numbers, you're young, but there's an old soul in you, and there always has been. Add in dealing with all we did after Alice's accident and…well, let's just say if you _did_ have gray hairs, you'd have earned them," he says with a chuckle.

I laugh with him, but it dies quickly. "That's just it Dad. This even feels harder than Alice's accident somehow. At least I knew Alice was fighting. She was fighting to get back to us. I feel like Bella's fighting _me_ instead of fighting _for_ me."

We're both quiet for a few moments before Dad speaks again.

"You did the right thing, Edward. You did," he says, squeezing my shoulder. "If she's really yours, she won't be able to stay away. If you believe she loves you, too, then you giving her this space for her head to catch up to her heart is about all you can do. You can lead a horse to water…"

We fall silent again, and after a few moments my phone vibrates. A text. From you.

Three little words. Three little words, but not the ones I want from you.

_Happy Birthday, Edward –B _


	51. Chapter 51

**Monday**

After a brief fit from Alice about missing me, she and Jasper decided to stay on for the week. They know I have lessons, but he can keep her entertained around town or at home when I have to be gone. They went home with Mom and Dad Sunday evening to get clothes and settle details and came back this afternoon.

I'm glad they're here. It takes the sting out of missing you, not seeing you, you not coming to me.

* * *

**Tuesday**

Breakfast.

Two lessons.

Lunch.

Museum with Alice and Jasper.

Dinner.

I miss you _so much,_ Bella.

* * *

**Wednesday**

Breakfast

No lessons today.

Checkers, Backgammon, and Othello with Alice. These are all supposed to help sharpen her critical thinking.

I wish you could know her.

Dinner.

Later in bed, I hear Jasper and Alice together. They're trying to be quiet, I know. I want to be disgusted that they couldn't hold off a few more days, but more than that, it just makes me miss you more. I want your skin on my skin, Bella. I want your heartbeat under my lips. I'm jealous of their togetherness, their certainty, their permanence.

I want you, I miss you,_ I_ _fucking love you._ I want to take it back, what I said. I want to have you in my life even if I can't have _all_ of you. And I hate that I would do that to myself, but I just miss you that much. It feels like I'm living with my heart and lungs outside my chest – like every move I make can cause irreparable damage. I thought this would get easier, but it's getting harder to let go of the idea of you, of _us._

* * *

**Thursday**

Breakfast.

Three lessons.

Late lunch.

Practice my set for tonight at Garrett's.

I leave to get us some carryout for dinner. When I return, Alice and Jasper's conversation ends abruptly. They both look at me with guilt-ridden expressions.

"What's up?" I ask as I take the food into the kitchen. "Why are you two acting so weird?"

"Be—" Alice starts, before Jasper clamps his hand over her mouth.

"Al, stop," he says with authority.

"But, I just –" she begins again, before he places his hand over her mouth once more.

They are locked in a silent stare-down, waiting each other out. Apparently Jasper finally sees what he needs in Alice's eyes, as he removes his hand while keeping a mild expression of warning on his face for her.

"Al, I got this. Could you dish up our food, please? So I can talk to Edward?" Jasper asks sweetly, cupping her cheek and lightly brushing her lips with his. I am not embarrassed to witness the gesture – Jasper stuck by Alice as tightly as her own family had during her recovery, and possibly fell even more in love with her in the process. I will always be grateful she has someone who loves her so unconditionally. I'm pulled from my musings as Alice brushes by me, squeezing my hand and squealing slightly.

I turn to look at Jasper. "What the heck is going on?"

Jasper picks up a small box I hadn't noticed on the coffee table. It's wrapped like a gift.

"Someone came by to see you," he says, handing me the gift, smiling.

"Who?" I ask, hopeful. _Please let it be you…_

"Bella," he says.

* * *

**I did try to "map out" this and the next chapters to get me to 60, my attempted goal. Barring any changes, you will see Bella in either 54 or 55, but you'll get something good before that. ;) It's even gift-wrapped from Bella!**


	52. Chapter 52

***peeks from behind hands* Okay, so...when last we left Edward a bajillion-zillion years ago, he was missing his love, from whom the only contact he'd had was a "Happy Birthday" text. Jasper lets him know that she stopped by with a gift while he was getting food. Shall we?**

* * *

My body warms knowing you were here, and then feels doused with ice water knowing I missed you. I missed you.

_I miss you…_

"She was here? She came here? Dammit, why didn't you make her stay?" I ask, excited, hopeful, frustrated.

"Hang on. Let's sit and I'll tell you, okay?" he asks. I nod. We move to the couch as Alice brings out drinks and plates of food.

"Okay, so… She first thought she had the wrong apartment, with Alice and I both answering the door. Once we introduced ourselves, she was calmer. And it got a little interesting from there…when she realized I was Alice's boyfriend, she gave me the strangest look."

"Why?" I ask, genuinely confused. But then…I guess I never mentioned him to you, or their relationship.

"Well, she didn't know about me. _Thanks man,_" he says the last bit with heavy sarcasm. "I'm practically your brother and you never mentioned me?" His expression is playful, so I know he isn't really hurt.

"I'm sorry. Really. It has just been such a whirlwind with her, you know? And I thought… I hadn't even told her about Alice's accident until it all blew up. I wanted her to meet everyone without any expectations or pre-judgment of how it might be, you know?" He nods.

"I get it. Not all our experiences with Alice meeting new people have been good, so I know," he says, taking a bite of food.

"I love her," Alice blurts suddenly.

"Al, you couldn't have seen her for more than a few minutes! How could you love her already?" I ask, smiling at her barely-contained glee. But I know. I know how she can already love you – the same way I fell so fast, so hard. _ I know._

"I don't know. I can just tell! She's going to be my friend," she says, nodding once with certainty.

I shake my head, smile and ruffle her hair. "I hope so, Al. I just don't know."

"No worries, man," Jasper says. "She seemed really…humbled. And sad she missed you. And she may come to see you play tonight."

"Really?" My heart races, adrenaline rushes at the thought of seeing you.

"_May_, she said," he warns. "_May_. But she wanted you to have the gift now, regardless."

I pick up the gift and stare at its pretty bow. "I'm gonna…" I say, motioning to my room. "I'll be back." They nod and smile, Alice bouncing in her seat.

As I shut my bedroom door, I finger the perfect bow as I slide its ribbon off the box. Pulling the ribbon from your gift feels just a little bit like releasing the binds from my heart and lungs, and I can finally take a deep breath.

* * *

**Yes, sweetpeas, I will finish! I'm SO SORRY. The reasons for the delay include, but are not limited to the following: my co-worker retired, leaving me here to handle it all alone, another librarian passed away suddenly, my kids' summer was busy, I've been moving shelving and media all by myself for two months, I was in Seattle and Tacoma for five days and I suck. It's long and boring and not worth the words to explain further!**

**But know this: SERIOUSLY THANK YOU to all of you for reading and dropping me a line! I'm humbled, awed, happy, giddy and all kinds of other -ed's and -y's because of you! I wrote some on the plane to Seattle (what inspiration, huh?) and will probably go a tad beyond 60 when it's all over. But I will NOT make you wait so long again. Scout's honor.**

**And because these ladies have spent quite a bit of time talking to me outside of the review box, showing me they are not only excellent authors, but also excellent human beings, I want to encourage you ALL to go read their lovely words: Missus T, MeilleurCafe, and TheSaintsMistress. Seriously wonderful reading!**

**~xo, Holly**


	53. Chapter 53

_**We left Edward opening his gift from Bella...**_

* * *

I lift the lid to find a chain and pendant. The silver charm is a single feather. It's beautiful – delicate but still edgy. I waste no time clasping it around my neck. It hangs close to my heart, and I finger the lines of it as I notice a note in the box. I unfold it and soak in your words.

_Edward~_

_ Happy Birthday… At first, this gift may seem odd or insignificant. I assure you, neither is the case, as I will explain to you._

_ But first – I have so much I need to tell you, to explain to you. I cannot run and hide – I'm not able to stay away from you, and I know now I don't want to. I never did. I know my actions said otherwise, but I had reasons. Stupid, idiotic, fearful reasons, but reasons just the same. I will tell them all to you if you are willing to listen to them. I understand if you don't want to, though, and I will not force you to hear me out. Still, I hope you do – desperately._

_ I screwed up and I want to make this right. Even if you decide you can't be with me, you need to know why I did what I did. You deserve so much more than this, truly - I've done nothing to be worthy of your time and attention. And I won't offer these words as excuses, but merely as explanations._

_ Until then – __if__ then – I leave you this feather. My actions have been deplorable, and my words too few and inadequate. I don't have your gift for words, so I went to a place that reminds me of you to find the words – music. While I was agonizing over my stupidity, wallowing with my iPod, Nikka Costa's "Like a Feather" came on. If you've never heard it, please give it a listen. The whole song applies to where my head and heart are now, but this line first jolted me into paying attention to her words: _"I'm coming around to bending, 'cause my resistance been far too persistent."_ I've been too persistent in resisting you, us. I've been pushing so hard against what was so desperately meant to happen. The song is all about giving up worrying, about letting the chips (or feathers) fall where they may, about not forcing or fighting what's meant for me. Please listen to it or at the very least, read the lyrics. (And don't you just love it when the stars align and your iPod shuffles to the very thing you need to hear most?) No, this song isn't what I have to tell you, but it's my way of assuring you I __am__ ready to tell you everything. I'm no longer fighting what's meant for me and my future, and I wish to say – I believe you were meant for me. I hope it isn't too late, and that perhaps you still feel the same for me._

_ I'm setting my fear free. I won't force you, or this. But I hope, little feather, that I can watch you land back with me instead of being whisked away on the harsh wind of my stupidity and fear._

_ Okay – I may be an English teacher, but that doesn't mean I can write…that was cheesy and just…ugh. Anyway – I didn't think it would fly to ask you to pen the note I needed to write to you. ;) _

_All my love,_

_Bella_

* * *

**Long A/N:**

**First, I have an entry in the "Taste of the Forbidden" contest. It's anonymous, so I can't tell you which entry is mine. I kind of wonder if it's obvious or not. That contest "topic" is not something that would normally be on my radar, so I saw it as a challenge - a way to bring a situation to life that I could actually get behind. Anyway - there are 45 (FORTY-FIVE!) entries, and I've read most of them. Voting is open through Friday if you are so inclined! My entry will be continued when the contest ends. / www dot fanfiction dot net / u / 4076435 / Taste-of-the-Forbidden-Contest (you know what to do - remove spaces and replace dots!)**

**Second, that Nikka Costa song? It's brilliant, at least to me. It has given me the kick in the pants I've needed a few times to just give in and let things happen. Lyrics below, because I didn't think they should be in the chapter in their entirety, but in case you're curious...**

**I'm coming out of my wishing well**  
**Where only echoes lonely hear my prayers**  
**I'm coming around to bending 'cause my resistance been far too persistent**  
**I've come to far to force it so I'll watch it slide and land**  
**I could come on strong and willful but**  
**I'd rather watch it fall to the palm of my hand**

**Chorus:**  
**And when I set it free like a feather it will be**  
**And when I rise to see it done like whatever it will be it will be**

**I'm taking a breather baby**  
**From sitting on pins waiting for my sky to fall**  
**I'm taking up giving in**  
**So here's the wheel, I'm putting my feet up**  
**Take another look at me baby**  
**Today I'm taking on catastrophe**  
**I'd rather take it easy**  
**Then try to force what's on it's way to me**

**Repeat Chorus**

**We're only afraid if we pull back the blinds too far**  
**The lights behind that we free will blind other stars**  
**But the truth doesn't blind it helps to see far**  
**So get ready to be**  
**Who you are**

**Much love, thanks and WELCOME to new readers, reviewers, alerters, etc.! I'm so happy you guys give this the time of day! xo~Holly**


	54. Chapter 54

I'm floored. I hope. I worry. I worry for what I'll learn. I hurt for your pain and uncertainty, too. Yes, I hurt for _you_, too, as much as I've been hurting _because_ of you. Despite your actions, this is my love for you, and I can't turn it off. I was right to think that you let your fear rule this relationship. Knowing it intellectually and hearing you confirm it are two separate things, though. I guess I wanted to think my love alone was enough to override your fears, but perhaps it was the absence of my love that you most needed to push you in the right direction.

A small part of me acknowledges there was no "I'm sorry" in your note. It wants to tell me that I shouldn't make this easy for you, that I should hold you at arm's length for awhile, that I should make you wonder about my feelings for you as you've made me question yours for me.

But, I can't. I recognize that may seem weak, but I also know that I love you completely, and that really, in the end, I only want you and to know you want me in return, fully. No hiding. _With_ expectations and promises, even though that wasn't our deal. I can't imagine being able to make you squirm or deny myself contact with you for any measure of time if I know for certain you want to be with me.

I won't act, though, until I hear you out. I won't tell you "yes" or "no" until I've heard all you need to tell me. This is important for you, and I deserve to know. So I will listen, and I will wait, and I will not declare myself to you again until you've done the same to me. I can't do that again if you're not all in this time.

But hope is strong in my heart and growing fast. You _want_ to tell me. You _want_ me to know everything. _You want me._ Sweet relief washes over me as I fully realize the gravity of your words and your gesture.

Not wishing to wait a minute more, but still a bit afraid yet to hear your voice, I text you.

**Thank you for the feather, Nikka. It hangs over my heart. –E**

_I'm so glad – thank you for accepting it, and I meant every word. –B_

**I do accept your gift, and I accept your offer. I want to hear it all. –E**

_*phew* Thank you. I don't deserve it, but I'm so relieved to hear that. –B_

**When? Will you come tonight? –E**

_Not sure – told Jasper maybe. I'm at Angela's mercy today, but I'd love to. Know that. If I don't make it, know I wish I could. –B_

**Okay…tomorrow? Saturday? Yesterday? ;) –E**

_Lol…if not tonight, I promise I'll pin it down and let you know tomorrow, okay? I'm anxious, too, btw… –B_

**Okay… –E**

_Thank you, Edward – for giving me this chance. –B_

**Thank you, Bella – for giving US this chance. –E**

* * *

**Thank you all again for reading and sticking with me! As for the contest? With 45 entries, I doubt I have a snowball's chance on Isle Esme, but I only wrote it as a means to challenge myself, not with the hope to win. Not that I'd be unhappy about it, but yeah. I'm a realist. 8) And I'd not thought at all of continuing it except most of the reviewers want me to, so, I guess I will. THANK YOU AGAIN for giving me a shot, and welcome new readers/followers! xo~Holly**


	55. Chapter 55

**Ready for our lovers to be back in the same room? Me, too...**

* * *

It's a good crowd tonight. Alice and Jasper came to listen, and it's good to see favorite faces right in front. I focus on them a lot. It keeps me from scanning the crowd for you constantly, and keeps me from confusing some of the female patrons. My heavy-hopeful heart has me singing love songs, and I don't want any women thinking I'm serenading them. It's not that I think I'm _that_ amazing or that they all want me, but experience tells me a guy, a guitar, a love song and eye contact equals a very swoony female. Every song I sing is for you, so I keep my eyes on my hands or on my family.

Despite my attempts to stay occupied, I find myself noticing the swing of long, brown hair near the bar. It isn't you, and I smile at the ridiculous jump my stomach took for you just that moment before I knew.

I finish my set with a cover of Buckley's "Lover, You Should Have Come Over." Something about the longing, the burning and the yearning really speaks to me tonight – well, every night since you've stayed away. As I make my thanks and move off the stage, I finally allow myself to feel let down that you aren't here. But as I place my Martin back in its case, I feel you. That crazy-electric connection I have with you skitters up my spine, across my shoulders and blooms warm and ticklish over my heart.

"Hi,' I hear you say.

"You made it," I say, not turning around just yet.

"Just barely. I couldn't stay away," you say.

Still facing away, I finish buckling my guitar case. "What about Angela?"

"I couldn't wait. She had me all day. I told her I had someone very important to see," you say. I feel you step closer.

"Does she know?" I ask you. You have so much to tell me, but this answer alone will say so much.

"Yes, she knows everything," you say, without hesitation.

My body slumps at the relief of your words. Taking a deep breath, I turn to face you. You look pale and your eyes seem tired, but you are still the most beautiful thing.

"Hi," you say again, smiling shyly.

"Hi," I say, smiling back.

The silence is a little awkward as we both lean slightly toward, then slightly away from one another. It's obvious you and I both feel the pull to hug, to kiss, to hold onto, but we both also know much needs to be said first. I can't take much more of this separation, though.

"Is it too late? To talk, I mean?" you ask.

"Nope. Not too late. Never too late," I answer.

"That's not what I meant, I just didn't know if you were too tired," you say.

"I know. But it's what _I_ meant. And I'm not too tired," I say, picking up my case. It's all I can do not to hug you, touch you.

"So…Jasper and Alice are staying with you, right? I mean…there's my place, or…" you trail off, unsure. Going to your place feels perfectly right and incredibly wrong all at once. I promised myself I would hear you out before jumping back in. And I will. I need your answers as much as I need your touch.

"There's an all-night diner a couple blocks away," I hedge. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I know I shouldn't go to your place yet.

"Of course, yeah – that sounds perfect. Walk?" you ask, turning toward the back entrance.

"Yeah, let me get rid of my guitar and we can walk there," I say, brushing past you. My left hand skims your arm so slightly, but I needed just a little something of you to get me by. Five days have never felt as interminable as these last five have for me. I can read your body, your shiver, enough to know it's the same for you.

I lock my guitar in my car, and we trek, silently, all the way to the diner. I don't want your words until I can have your eyes, too. And if your words are what I want and need, then I hope to leave that diner knowing I have your heart – all of you – forever.

* * *

**I'm really sorry...this chapter was blocking me. I realized a major "thing" I planned on helping Bella reach her new conclusion can't really happen the way I wrote it, so there you go, kids - a lesson in favor of writing stuff out BEFORE you post it. Now it's out here, so I have to work around what I've posted. ANYway...**

**I hope to have their conversation - in its entirety, be that one or two chapters - next week. That is my goal for me and for you. Answers, finally! )**

**"Battle" readers - I have let this story (LS) stretch far too long from what I intended, and I'm so close to finishing. I want to finish this before I suit up for Battle... 8)**

**AMAZED and SO THANKFUL for all of you reading, reviewing, favoriting, alerting - truly blown away and humbled and awed. Thank you SO MUCH for the support and for giving me a shot!**

**xo, Holly**


	56. Chapter 56

**When we last left our lovers, Bella had come to see him to talk, to tell him all about why she acted the way she did. They were on their way to a diner. Shall we?**

* * *

We are settled in a booth in the back corner of the diner, coffees in hand.

"So…" you and I say at the same time and then laugh awkwardly.

"Um, do you want to ask me questions, or do you want me to just put it all out there?" you ask. I hear the nervous quiver in your voice.

"How about…you tell me what you need to, and if I still have things I need to know that you don't address, I'll ask them after?"

"That sounds fair," you say. You look down at your coffee, mulling, stalling. You take a deep breath. "Okay, shit." You laugh. "This suddenly feels so hard," you whisper.

"Why?"

"Because it all felt so important at the time, but now? Saying it out loud? Thinking about it all like I have this week? It sounds so…utterly…ridiculous. And stupid. And..shameful," you say, your eyes watering.

"Hey, don't. Look – I'm not going to tell you that I'll love everything you have to say, but you need to say it, and I need to hear it," I pause, lightly brushing your fingers with mine. "Even if you think your reasons were stupid, they were your reasons. Make me understand. I need something to go on, here, because without your reasons, I can't understand – I can't even begin to fathom why you acted the way you did. I don't want to judge you, here. I just want to know _why_."

You blow out a breath, nodding. "Okay," you say. The waitress comes to top off our coffees, giving you another moment to gather your courage. I want to laugh at myself for wanting to hold your hand through this to make _you_ feel better when _I'm_ the one in the dark, wanting and needing so much from you.

"Okay. Um. The beginning. When I saw you, the first night? I thought nothing other than you were gorgeous. Talented, sexy…" You blush, I smile. "It never occurred to me you weren't my age. Not that you look old, but I want you to know it wasn't something on my mind. At first. But then you told me how old you were, and suddenly all these fears and worries just piled on me, and I couldn't get away fast enough. The problem is…I'd been spending most of the time we spoke imagining kissing you, wondering what your arms would feel like around me. I knew I was screwed already."

"We were in the same boat, then," I say, chuckling.

"Yeah. So…all I could think was, _'Walk away, he's too young, you're too old, you'll have nothing in common, he's too sweet to mess around with,'_ you get the idea. So, I left. And I tried to stay away. I made myself stay away for a few weeks, as you know, but the pull to see you again was strong. I should have known then that fighting this interest was a losing battle. I still didn't want to hurt you, but I was selfish enough to want to see you again, see if I felt the same, see if maybe I could get you out of my head for good.

"We both know how that turned out," you say, smiling ruefully. I discreetly lick my bottom lip, remembering that first kiss in all its fiery glory. "So then I was stuck…wanting you, not _wanting_ to want you. More than anything else, not wanting to hurt you." You finish your coffee and look me square in the eye. "I was hung up on a stupid number, Edward. I was worried everyone would think I was a 'cougar,' that I was pathetic, that I was trying to be younger than I am, that…that you could do so much better, that people would think I was holding you down, holding you back.

"It's stupid, I know, but I bought into all that crap in my head. I never used to care what other people thought, but after the last long relationship? Being let go, feeling like I wasn't enough, wondering if there was something wrong with me, wondering why he didn't want to keep me…I felt like I already looked pathetic and I didn't want to have one more thing that could make people see me that way."

I don't like the way you were thinking, not at all. But I _do_ understand it. Because of Alice, my family has endured the pity and the judgment, the assumptions and lack of understanding of an outsider. I understand. I notice you tear up, but you take a couple of deep breaths and continue.

"And who cares, right? Who cares what they think, I know, but…the other thing I was dealing with was – how to put this? – shame about my mom."

* * *

**I'm...sorry. So, so sorry. What to say that you've not heard before? Nothing... I do work alone now, and that mixed with really being stuck - like REALLY, REALLY stuck in how I wanted this conversation to get told...yeah. Then the holidays, and blah, blah, blah...**

**But guess what? You'll get the whole tale from Bella. TODAY. All of it. I only broke it up because, even though the chapters aren't perfectly consistent, I'm a little too anal to suddenly have a 2k+ word chapter thrown in out of nowhere. So I broke it up to appease my fickle OCD tendencies. I'm anal about chapter length, but apparently not about timeliness? Ugh. Again, so sorry!**

**Be on the lookout for the rest. TODAY. Did I say today? TODAY.**

**Oh, and - THANK. YOU. Thank you to everyone who has read any or all of this, thank you to those who've alerted, favorited and reviewed, thank you, simply, for the support. More later! ~xo, Holly**


	57. Chapter 57

"I do love her, Edward, please don't misunderstand, but…I haven't always _liked_ her. Or her choices. She left dad and it was a constant stream of boyfriends – younger men, _much_ younger men. I thought she looked ridiculous. She _was_ that clichéd cougar. She purposely went after younger guys. Insecurity? Better sex? Who knows her reasons? I only knew that I didn't want to be that shallow. I didn't want to be like her in _any_ way. As soon as I knew I had ten years on you, I panicked. I felt dirty and shallow and…like my mom. And I hated it. I hated that feeling so much. I mean, there may be some deeper psychology here – thinking that she left dad for shallow reasons, feeling like she set me aside for these boys, feeling like I was the parent and she was the child, I don't know. Maybe I need therapy, but I just know that her pursuits were the ugliest part of her to me, and I knew if I told her I was dating someone ten years my junior, she'd cheapen it. She'd congratulate me and 'woo-hoo' for me and tell me to 'have fun' and 'get mine' and all these superficial things that are stupid and that don't take into account a person's feelings – _your_ feelings. _My_ feelings _for_ you.

"I was on shaky ground with this whole age thing from day one, so I didn't tell her. I didn't honor you and I didn't honor our relationship when I lied to her. I just…wanted to keep it from her, hold it safe from her judgment, her likely misperception about why I was with you. I know there's no excuse for the lying, I know, I just…I knew I wasn't after you because of your age, but she'd see it that way, and I knew if she said anything, it would get ugly, because I'd probably tell her _exactly_ what I think of the way she has been all my life. Like I said – I don't always like her, but I love her, and we have what we have. I'm too old to make waves over this now, and she's got herself a young husband, so maybe she's done."

You wave the server over for a refill for us. I want to jump in, ask questions – I want to tell you I get why you didn't want your mom to know, even as I want to say, "screw what anyone else might think." I want to tell you that I think your mom was pretty shitty for parading men in and out of your life, and for letting you be her caretaker. I want for this to be finished so I can just hug you and hold you and love you. But there are still two very big things I can't get past yet, and I need you to tell me more first. I need to know why you so blatantly shunned me with your friends, and I need your apology. I know you're sorry, I do. I feel it like a heavy, wet blanket draping over me. But I need to hear it. As the server steps away, you take another deep breath and continue.

"I kept you a secret because I wanted you so much. I wanted to keep you. I knew it was more than sex, more than just fun. I knew I was in deep after that first kiss, and I knew if you took my offer of 'no promises and no expectations' that those two things are _exactly_ what we'd want and what we'd have. Keeping you a secret didn't feel dirty to me – it felt like safety and preservation. I'm sure it felt – _feels_ – dirty to you, though. Especially after that night. My friends…" you trail off, more guilt and shame coloring your face.

* * *

**Let it be said: my biggest problem with this whole conversation is how much talking Bella's doing. I know it's necessary, but it was my hang-up. In the end, it's necessity won out. Sometimes, we _do_ have to give big, long explanations for things, and people have to sit and listen to them. It happens. I finally just had to get over it and let her talk, even if I'm not happy with it from a writing standpoint.**

**My apologies to Serendipitous/MC...no BPOV. That is, not unless someone wants one after this is all over! But that's a question for later... It may as well be BPOV for all the talking she's doing! 8)**

**Still more to come!**


	58. Chapter 58

"Let me guess, _'Get your cougar on!'_" I say, repeating your friend's words back to you from that night at the pub. You grimace and blush.

"Yeah. So. I know it seems so easy to say, and why would you believe me, but I was going to introduce you to them that night. As…well, I don't know. But I wasn't going to hide my affection for you." You watch me, gauging my reaction, but I won't react. If you weren't going to hide me, but then decided to anyway, I'm all the more confused.

"On the way, we were just talking like friends do about _everything_," you begin. "Tanya – she's one of the teachers at our school – she um, she's like 47, I think? Anyway, they were telling me how she couldn't join us because she was off bedding her 'boy toy' or some equally superficial and insulting label for her current sex partner. They were talking up how unashamed she was in going after 'the young ones,' and how they thought it was great that she was 'getting them at their peak' and all this nonsense. I kept quiet, laughed in all the right places, but I just kept thinking they'd have a field day if they knew. They'd think I was just like Tanya – out for sex, for nothing but a good time. I knew, after that conversation – well, I assumed, anyway – that they wouldn't take you seriously if I introduced you. They would just dismiss my feelings and make it seem as cheap and cheesy as I think Renee would."

I take this in. If I believe you were going to own up to us in some way, then I can see why you got spooked at the last minute. To be compared to someone doing exactly what you felt your mother did, exactly what you feel others would assume you were doing – yeah, I can see why it would freak you out. But it still hurts. Still, something else bothers me about these revelations of yours.

"So…what you're telling me is that you kept us a secret to your mom and your friends solely on the assumption that they would unfairly judge you?" I ask.

"Um, yeah. I guess that is what it boils down to, yeah," you say. You won't look at me.

"Do these people love you?" I ask.

"Who? My friends?" you ask, confusion evident.

"And your mom, yes. Do they love you? Do they care about your feelings; do they want you to be happy?" I push.

"Well, yeah. Of course. Angela is a closer friend than anyone, but yeah, I think Charlotte genuinely cares about me," you say, measuring each word. "My mom loves me. I may not always love the way she shows it, but I have no doubts that she loves me completely in her way. She's quirky and silly sometimes, but I know she loves me and wants me happy." Curious brown eyes meet my own questioning gaze. I pause a few more beats.

"Bella, don't you think…if these people love you, don't you believe that they will be happy for your happiness? Do you think they'll truly care the shape, color or size that happiness takes? What type of box it fits into, how it came to be yours?"

"I don't know, I'd hope so," you say, unsure.

"You hope, but you don't believe, right?"

Resignation sets in, pushing your shoulders down and in. "No, I guess I let myself believe everyone would see it the wrong way. I just assumed," you admit, leaning your head into your palm.

_Assumptions_. The phrase, "Don't assume – you only make an ass of u and me" has never been more true. All this time, you disregarded us, me, because you didn't think others would see us for what we really are. You placed the expected bad reactions of people in your life above not only my feelings, but yours. You gave the most importance to the opinions of everyone _not_ in this relationship, and absolutely disregarded those of the two who mattered most here – you and me.

"Why, Bella?" You simply stare at me, eyes beginning to shimmer with tears.

"I – "

"Why were everyone else's feelings more important to you than ours?"

* * *

**I'm hopeful for their conversation to wrap-up either today or tomorrow...and I know I said today, but I was more thinking of her reasons for what she did, all of which have now been revealed, justified or unjustified though they may be.**

**Edward gets it, but...he's understandably angry. He won't ride it out for cruelty's sake, but he'll state his case on the matter, never fear.**

**Thank you all...HB**

**P.S.: that "60 chapters" I was shooting for? I'll probably go over. But not by leaps and bounds.**


	59. Chapter 59

**We left with Edward demanding to know why everyone else's feelings were more important than his and hers...**

* * *

"They're not – " you murmur. I raise a brow to you in question. "I don't know, I – I didn't think of it that way. I just…I don't know! I guess I'm afraid of disappointing anyone."

"At the expense of your own happiness?" I counter.

"No. Yes. Geez, I don't know! It's what I _do_. I told you I probably need therapy!"

I can't help myself and I smile at you. "I don't think you need therapy, Bella. I think you just need to move your own happiness, your own opinions, higher up on your priority list."

You open your mouth to object, but shut it just as quickly. You look at me like I just asked you to solve a complex equation. In that moment, the light bulb goes off for me. I knew I felt like I understood a lot about you, but hearing your reasons, your words – knowing your past relationships with family, guys, friends – suddenly something becomes very clear to me about you, and I need to make sure you see it, too.

"Do you know what I see?" I ask, leaning toward you on folded arms. You nod, wary. "I see a girl who hasn't seen anyone fight for her. I see a girl who pleased her mom because it was easier than getting her mom to _be_ a mom. I see a girl who was good for her dad because she rarely saw him and didn't want him unhappy with her for any reason. I see a girl who thinks when that last guy let her go, it was because she wasn't enough, that she was lacking." Tears spill down your cheeks, but you hold my gaze. "I see a girl who laughs at jokes made at her expense and doesn't fight for herself because she doesn't see anyone else fighting for her. She just wants to float along, raise no ire, give no reason for anyone to be unhappy with her, so that no one else will let her go."

Your face crumples as you bring a hand to your mouth, stifling a sob. I hate to see you hurting, but I press on. You need to understand this if we're going to work.

"But since she never really saw anyone fight for her, and she won't fight for herself, she didn't know what it looked like – she didn't notice when this guy quietly fought to win her over." I reach over, grabbing your free hand between both of mine. "She never sees it or believes it, so she didn't recognize his love and respect for her. She was so afraid of letting other people down, she let _him_ down instead. And herself."

I stop and let you process all I've said. I grab a couple of napkins from the holder and offer them to you. As you take care of your tears, I know I have a little more I want to say. I don't want to make you any unhappier, but I still need to make you see how you made me feel.

"Bella…I kind of get it, okay? I don't want you to have worried about these things, or placed these others' opinions above your own, but in many ways I can see exactly why you acted as you did. But the thing is, it hurt. So fucking much. You're here, and I can only try to trust your words and believe that you really do want this, want _me_. You telling Angela says the world to me. But you _have_ to believe in this, and in yourself, if we're going to work. You have to not be looking at every turn for me to leave or find something wrong with you. And for fuck's sake, get over the age thing – it's a number, it's not who you are, and it doesn't matter. _At all._ You have to realize that what you want is worth having, even if not everyone likes it or understands. This is _your_ life. I want in, but I won't be able to carry this forever by myself." I grab both of your hands in mine, bringing them to my mouth. "You have to fight for us, too. I can't and won't do it all by myself."

With a kiss to your knuckles, I close my eyes and hold your hands. A short silence that feels like eternity is interrupted by a sniffle and your choked, "Edward." I look up to your anguished face.

"I'm so, so, s-s-sorry!" you wail, giving in to the wracking sobs you've been holding back. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I love you, and I know I screwed this up, and I'm just stupid and crazy and I sabotaged the only relationship that has ever felt like home to me because I was afraid and stupid, and I don't want to be without you, and I love you, I – I'll fight for us, I swear it, if you'll have me…" you gulp in air, and I can't take it any longer. I immediately swing myself to your side of the booth and grab you fully into my arms.

You just gave me the last thing I was waiting to hear, needed to hear. It sounds an awful lot like forever to my relieved heart.

* * *

**Funny thing...that whole epiphany and subsequent psychoanalysis of Bella by Edward? Never even thought of it until yesterday. Wasn't planned, it just...felt right and came out. I certainly hope it made sense to you all.**

**Do we all feel better? Is Bella out of the doghouse? I know DaniWithGreenEyes was her toughest sell!**

**I was so, so happy with your responses to Bella's story. I continue to be AMAZED by your response and interest. Thank you, thank you, thank you a million times... xo-Holly**


	60. Chapter 60

**We left Edward grabbing Bella up after her tearful confession of apology and love...**

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**You guys alright? You get in my place ok? – E**

_We're good – not coming home? – J_

**No, taking B home. Breakfast tomorrow? All four of us? – E**

_Sure – where? – J_

**There. We'll bring stuff to eat after 9 – E**

_Sounds good. Things okay? – J_

**Yes. Things are more than okay. Tomorrow. – E**

'_night – J_

~~~L~S~~~

You're exhausted, and so am I. Emotionally spent. I offer to take you home and you can barely separate yourself from me enough to nod "yes." It's awkward, walking back to my car with our bodies so tightly clinging together, but I wouldn't care if it took us an hour to go two blocks. You're real, you're here, and you're holding on as tightly as I am…_finally._

At your place, we're quiet. You and I say nothing as we brush teeth and crawl into bed. You burrow into my chest and wrap your whole self around me. I stroke your neck and your hair, and we fall asleep easily. The strung-taut tension my body has felt all week has disappeared, allowing a near-boneless feeling of lightness to settle in its place.

At dawn, just as the black-blue turns to purple-gray, I wake to find you watching me. I open my mouth, but before I can speak, you shush me with a finger to my lips.

"I didn't feel like I deserved you," you say. It is a knee-jerk reaction for me to argue with you, but your expression is peaceful and happy, and so I let you go on. "I didn't…but I do now. But I can promise you I'll never take you for granted. I know what I stand to lose, and so I promise I will always do everything I can to keep deserving you."

"I'll do the same," I say.

"I can't promise you I won't ever have another moment of insecurity or that I'll never freak out if someone makes an age joke," you say, smiling. "But I swear I'll never run, I'll never hide, and I'll never give up. None of those things will ever be more important than you. No one else's opinion will ever be more important than yours."

"And _yours_," I add, warning.

"And mine," you add. We stare and hold. An ache that eclipses any of the pained ones I felt in your absence blooms in my chest. It's an ache of a heart so full it might burst. Before I can pull you in, before I can speak another word, you lunge into me and kiss my lips, pulling back to look in my eyes while tears shimmer in yours.

"I love you. I love you, Edward. So, so much, I _love_ you," you say, smiling and crying.

"I know, I know, I do…I love you so much, Bella," I say, kissing you in between words.

"Be with me," you say around our kisses. "Be with me, please, please…"

"Yes, always," I say, rolling to cover your body with mine. I take your mouth deeply and slowly now as I squeeze your body more tightly to mine. Only when we absolutely need a breath do I pull back. You pull your shirt over your head while I remove mine. We come together for more kisses as we both work to remove our underwear. The sudden, frantic energy of this need is sparking and crackling in the air between us.

As I move inside you, we both cry out in pleasure, joy, relief. There is no longer anything else between us in this bed – no fear, no uncertainties, no doubts. You've always let me inside your body, but now I know for certain I'm inside your heart.

~~~L~S~~~

We stop by FROST doughnuts, even though it's a little out of the way. We load up on two of practically everything in the case before heading back to my apartment.

You reach for my hand in the car, and you don't let go until we have to get out. There is an easiness I sense in you now; the underlying tension and fear I always felt simmer under the surface with you is gone.

We walk into my apartment and Alice tackles you with a squeezing hug without warning. When I see your eyes close and your arms squeeze and hold her to you, I know you're forever a part of this family.

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**Not sure what's up next...perhaps a second attempt at meeting his parents? Not sure. Winding down, folks! **

**If you don't follow breath-of-twilight, you should go over to her page and follow her Valentine's Day countdown story that will start posting soon. The author contributors are not anonymous, but you won't know which author wrote which o/s until the end. I have a little something in that countdown... fanfiction dot net / s / 8916847 / 1 / Countdown-to-V-Day-2013-prompt-challenge **(remove the spaces and replace the "dot" with a real dot)

**As always and forever, thank you so much for the support and the reviews, follows and favorites! You make me happy!**


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